Stop sabotaging your relationship

August 22, 2017
Couple in trouble *** Local Caption *** Couple in trouble

I recently received an email from a young lady who was concerned that the man she's dating might be "too good to be true". She said they met about six months ago, and since then he has been very attentive, available and interested in her and her interests. She even pointed out how good he has been to her five-year-old daughter, treating her as if she's his own. She doesn't have any concrete reason to suspect that he's being disingenuous, she just cannot believe that a man can be so great, so she does not trust him. In her own words, "she's waiting for the other shoe to drop and the 'real him' shows up."

I find this sentiment very concerning, even sad. Has life made us so sceptical that we cannot appreciate good people in our lives? Why is she so hell-bent on believing the worst, that she can't recognise good when it's right in from of her? I am concerned that she's going to start acting on her suspicions and ruin a great relationship.

Even worse, she's going to turn him off so much that he may not be open in his next relationship with someone who will appreciate his 'goodness'. I call her behaviour self-sabotage. She's so blinded by fear that she cannot see what's real, and she can ruin it if she's not careful.




Some of the signs of self-sabotage are: being continuously suspicious; always accusing your partner of being unfaithful, especially without any reason or evidence; searching social media, web history and other communication to see who your partner is interacting with; asking your partner to stop talking to people because you're insecure; and creating an uncomfortable space at home because you are always questioning and searching.

It's easy to get caught up in the dangerous spiral of self-sabotage, especially when you include other people in your obsession. One of the worst things a woman like this can do is confide in her lonely single friends. That friend will feed her suspicion, encourage the questions and searches, introduce more crazy questions, and basically lead her to the demise of a great relationship.

My advice is to be open with your partner about your insecurities and deal with it as a couple. Your partner can be mindful and try to reassure you of his or her commitment to you.

In the meantime, just keep an open mind and enjoy your partner while you have him around. The rest will work itself out. Have fun and stay sexy.

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