Check Up: Her man can't control his temper
Tisha's babyfather lost his job some months ago and is taking out his frustrations on her physically.
Tisha says he is angry and stressed and he never used to hit her, but now he has hit her on several occasions when upset.
He just doesn't seem to be able to control his temper! She asks Lifeline for some advice on what to do. She says she still loves her guy a lot.
Anger is a normal emotion and can be even useful. It is uncontrolled anger which destroys relationships! If the reaction to anger is to explode then anger has become a potentially harmful problem!
Her gentleman will need to learn to control his anger and express his emotions without hurting her. While suppressing anger may be unhealthy, venting anger in an uncontrolled manner is worse!
Tisha's guy needs to express his anger with his life situation without abusing someone near to him who is smaller and weaker!
The man needs to stop and collect his thoughts before he speaks when angry. He must calm himself before interacting with Tisha.
Learning to control anger is not an easy task and the boyfriend may need to obtain help through counselling. Getting on top of the anger requires 'work'.
But learning to control anger and expressing it in an appropriate manner helps to build better and healthier relationships.
Anger is often a cover-up for other feelings and may be learnt behaviour stemming back to the childhood home. If Tisha's partner saw abusive physical behaviour at home it is possible that the high levels of stress he is undergoing has made him more susceptible to this behaviour.
Tisha should become aware of the physical signs that accompany an angry outburst.
- The person breathes faster
- Paces or walks around
- Seems tense with stiff shoulders
- Looks flushed
Tisha should watch out for these signs which indicate that her partner may well be about to erupt in anger and remove herself from the vicinity of the person. Just leave until later.
Tisha has to put herself and her child first. She and her partner should get counselling if they want the relationship to continue and be healthy. She must stand up for herself and if she feels threatened she should leave.
There is a view that anger is not really the problem in abusive relationships but the loss of temper may be a deliberate choice to control the abused person.
Couples counselling may not be recommended and the partner may need specialised treatment.
Write Lifeline: PO box 1739; KGN8 Email email@example.com AJM