Don't love him anymore

October 02, 2015

Dear Pastor,
I am a daily reader of your column. I am really confused. I am 22 years old and I got pregnant when I was 16. I have been with my child's father over five years. He cheats on me a lot and we fight a lot. Otherwise from that he takes care of the baby and me. I used to be in love with him, but I don't love him anymore. His ways pushed me away from him. I even got into fight with other girls over him and I saw underwear in his house that doesn't belong to me. However, I broke it off with him. He would say some crazy things, but I don't pay him any mind.
I am now dating an older man who is 29 years older than I am, but I love him. He satisfies me sexually. He shows me love. He doesn't give me money often, but he buys me whatever I want to eat and other things. He says that I'm going to be OK, I just need to have a little patience. He has a baby mother overseas. He says that he is not in love with her, it's just that she is doing some things for him.
I don't believe him at times. He makes me think twice whenever he is on the phone with her. The way he talks to her makes me get upset because it seems to me that he still loves her. I am confused and frustrated. What should I do, pastor? Please give me your advice.


Dear S.J,
Why is it that this man does not put money in your hand? Does he feel that he cannot trust you? He buys you whatever you want, but you know that every woman wants a man to give her money. She shouldn't have to ask him to provide her necessary needs. Why should a woman be in a position where she has to tell a man that she needs sanitary stuff etc.? When men don't give women money and go to the stores and buy what they tell them to buy, they are telling the women that they don't trust them to spend their money. This man feels that you would use his money to do things that he might not approve. But I repeat, every woman needs money in her hand and in her pocket from her man.
Concerning his child's mother, this man might not be speaking the truth. You are not a fool. You should be able to pick up what is going on by what he is saying to her. I do not wish to cause any problems between the both of you, but don't be surprised if this woman returns to Jamaica and marry him. He said she is doing certain things for him. He should be able to tell you what these things are if he considers you to be his woman.
You did not say whether you are working. I rather suspect that you are not and I would urge you to try and get yourself a job, otherwise men are going to use you. Your child's father has not proven to be a good man and your present man is hiding things from you and you do not have any confidence in him. Try your best to get an education and carve out your own future.




Dear Pastor,
I am deeply confused about a relationship I am now having. I understand why parents say, "Stay as young and you can for as long as you can." I am currently in a relationship and I don't know where I stand. On November 14, 2014, around 10:52 p.m., tragedy struck. It was a very painful night for me because my boyfriend of three years broke up with me. He searched my phone saw some texts that were too intense for his eyes. I tried to stop him, but all that resulted between us was a torn jacket and the end of my relationship with him.
Previously, he said to me that I should start seeing other people. Then he said we needed space. Then I should call only if I needed him. Pastor, I am still madly in love with this man. I programmed myself to leave, but then it's like elastic that one can stretch, but it goes back to the same size. He doesn't love me again. I know because we hardly go out and we hardly talk. He says we are on one year break. We only have sexual intercourse once a month and I keep myself for him only.
Why am I doing this? I have met other guys that treats me far better, but the one guy I want just isn't cutting it for me. I cry a lot over this situation because I made a promise to myself that he is the one I am going to stick it through with regardless. But, pastor, I feel sooner or later this flame is going to go out. Where would that leave me? I miss being loved. I miss that fresh pure love. I miss him. There is more to it, but I need help with this chapter in my book.

Dear Heartbroken,
What you are trying to say is that you were not true to this young man. You told him in words that you loved him and you will be true to him, but you lied. You were seeing others and he found out the truth by what was recorded in your cell phone. Cell phones have given away a lot of people and it surely opened the eyes of the man you said that you love, so right now there is nothing solid in this relationship. This man has you on a limb and that limb can be totally broken at any time.
It is unlikely that this man would marry you. You are trying to reach out to him and he knows it, but I doubt very much that you are going to be his wife. He may keep you on the side because you can always satisfy his sexual appetite whenever he feels for sex. He knows that you are not going to turn him down and you are afraid that if you say no that would be the end of everything as far as you are concerned.
You are being used. You don't like it, but you feel you can't help it. This man has not forgiven you for what you did. He has been telling you that the both of you should take a break for a year. You don't like that so he comes around and have sex with you and he hardly talks to you. Why would you allow yourself to be used in this way? That is not love.
Pray and ask God to help you to bring this relationship to an end. If you don't, it would drag on and on and on for a very long time to come.




Dear Pastor,
Keep up the wonderful work that you are doing. I am 19 years old and I am pregnant for my boyfriend. He is 42 years old. He was a friend of my older sister and she only went out with this man twice. He told me that the only thing that they did was to kiss each other. My sister's boyfriend called her and told her that he was coming to Jamaica, so she should set the date for the wedding.
She suggested that this should become my friend, but when she said that she did not mean it seriously, but he took me on. I did not know that they kissed and it is bothering me because the first night we kissed, we had sex, so how come my sister is saying that they didn't have sex. He said they didn't have sex also. When my sister found out that I am pregnant for him she started to tell me all sorts of bad things about him. She said he has lots of women and if she wasn't going to marry her boyfriend she would have broken up with him.
My mother doesn't know that my sister and this man had gone out together. I couldn't tell her that. Why is she bad mouthing him now when she told him that he should have a relationship with me? My sister and I were very close and we used to talk things that sisters would generally talk. Now I am afraid to say anything to her because she doesn't have anything good to say about the guy.
I know I am wrong to allow him to get me pregnant so soon. The good thing is that he does not have any children. This would be his first child. My sister wanted me to be her maid of honour at her wedding, but I can't do it anymore because I am pregnant and because of the way she is treating me. Whenever she sees the guy she is smiling up with him, but behind his back she doesn't have anything good to say. What should I do about this problem?

Dear C.E.,
What is done is done. You don't have to beg your sister to forgive you. She ought to shut up. If she knew this man was a bad man she should not have suggested that he could establish a relationship with you. And she should have told you that both of them exchanged loving kisses. Whatever might have happened between herself and this man is long gone. He said there was no sex and she said the same. She should not be giving you the impression that you are nasty and a no good.
If your sister wants you to attend her wedding, do so, but I would not suggest that you be a part of the bridal party unless she insists. I believe that your sister is a little jealous of you and she ought to know why. She is your older sister so always be respectful to her. Have your baby and try and go back to school. I wish you well.




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