I can't say no to sex!

December 14, 2015

Dear Pastor,

I read your column every day. I love every response that you give. I am 22 years old. I am deep in depression and I do not know which direction to turn. Each day my life gets worse and no matter how I try to be happy, sadness overshadows it all the time. I was raped at 16 and for some reason this incident seems to have turned me into a complete sex addict. I can never say no to sex. I do not have sex with strangers though, but I have been with a lot of men. I feel so ashamed and disgusted at myself for being used so much. I have a three-year-old daughter whose father stopped supporting her so I am a single parent and I find that very difficult as I am not working at the moment.

I am so frustrated with my life. If it wasn't for my daughter I would have killed myself long ago. I love her with every fibre in my body. I would do anything to make her happy. I can't see myself forgiving her father for abandoning her for no apparent reason. While I was with him I never cheated or did anything to cause arguments or problems. My entire life is a mess. I am educated and I have skills which I received at HEART. I would love nothing but to be able to work, provide for my daughter and live a normal and happy life. I have decided that my past experiences will stay in the past and I won't let them hinder my future. I am still young so a man is not my priority.

My mother is very sick and can

hardly manage so I am not just at home sitting down. I assist her in every way possible. My father is sick too but he and I do not share that father- daughter bond. I need prayer. Please, pastor, advise me on any aspect of my letter that you wish. God bless you.


Dear J.F.,

Some female rape victims hate men with a passion. They would hardly have anything to do with sex. However, there are those who would give up themselves and become sex addicts, so to speak. Some have sex with just about every man who asks and they don't necessarily have to know the men. In your case, you only have sex with men that you know. It is like you do not care but deep down you do care. You are not happy with yourself. I believe there is hope for you. You see, you have never genuinely experienced true love. You have suffered the abuse of men. Perhaps the men who have come into your life have pretended that they love you and you believe them but they only had one aim and that was to have sex and move on.

You have to go back from the beginning. You were raped when you were 16. You have not said under what circumstances and whether it was a stranger or a relative. Were your parents or guardians aware and if they were, how did they react to it and what steps did they take? Was the matter reported to the police? Was the accused arrested and tried?

I ask these questions because all these would help to bring healing. Parental attitude, for example, would either help a victim or make it worst, because if the parents gave moral support to the victim and took the matter in hand, the healing process would be easier for the victim. If the parents behaved as if they didn't care, the victim may grow to hate the parents and to hate the world, so to speak, and even blame herself for what happened to her. But if nobody gave help, the rape victim may say, "Well, I might as well give my body to any man who comes by, it does not make a difference because nobody loves me". The truth is, my dear, there are many people who are very concerned about young women who were raped. And if this rape was reported to the police they would have sought help for you. Whether you went through therapy then, it is evident that you need professional help now. Therefore, I am suggesting that you meet with a family counsellor or psychologist as soon as possible. The good Lord does not want you to throw yourself around with different men. Psychologically and emotionally it would affect you and you expose yourself to sexually transmitted infections and so on. I regret hearing that your mother is not well and also that your child's father is not supporting her. You should seriously consider taking the father of the child to the Family Court for child support. I will contact you very soon.


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