Cheating wife preventing me from getting pastor job


March 11, 2016

Dear Pastor,

I am an assistant pastor. I have been married for 15 years. The senior pastor of my church is about to retire. I should take over, but my wife is a big problem. She was unfaithful to me five years ago. Some of the members were aware of it. I almost lost my position in the church because she told them it was my fault why she had cheated.

She made up different stories about me. Some people believed, but the senior pastor refused to believe her. He asked her what was the real reason she had cheated, considering she had cheated with three men, not just one. Everybody knew that the men had her around, taking her everywhere.

When I tried to divorce her, nobody supported me because our church doesn't believe in divorce. It took my wife months to admit she had sex with other men and that her reason for doing it was money. I am a carpenter. Sometimes jobs are slow, so I wasn't able to give her everything she wanted. These men gave her money so she let down herself for money.

I can't get the promotion in my church because some of the older members are saying she is no good.

My children are supporting and encouraging me. Sometimes I feel so down. They will say, "Daddy, don't mind, we love you."

Sometimes I wish this woman would just go away. I have no love in my heart for her, but I don't hate her.

At my wedding the parson said marriage is for better or for worse, but I did not expect my wife would cheat, not after I had done my best as a husband.

I know all the guys she had affairs with. I have not asked them anything. I am too ashamed. We got back together after counselling, but I can't move forward in the ministry because of what happened.

Dear W.P.,

May I suggest you continue to do your best in church. Don't fight to become the senior pastor of the church. I am sorry to disappoint you, but you will not get that position. Do your best in your position.

Your wife has not been faithful. As a result of what she has done, you will not be able to address certain situations in the church. She will not be able to command the respect of the women.

Therefore, I repeat, do your best in the position which you hold. Take care of yourself. Don't attack your wife for what happened years ago. It was dealt with and you are back together. Don't bring up things of the past. Put everything behind and move on.

Of course, I realise you do not have any love for your wife. That is a matter would have to deal with. I think what you are saying is you hate her because she cheated with Tom, Dick and Harry. You would have been in line for a good promotion within your church if she hadn't.

Remember the Bible says you have to forgive. Bear in mind God has forgiven you, and you vowed that the love for your partner is until death.

You did not choose to divorce her when you found out she had affairs because your church is against divorce. You listened to your church and stayed with her.

You have to learn to love her. You can't have it both ways. It might be better for you to make an appointment to see a family counsellor to deal with this matter of hate.

Though you claim that you do not hate her, you do. I believe you are a bitter man and need professional help.


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