I can't find my Mr Right!


April 18, 2016

Dear Pastor,

I have been reading your column since I was a child. The stories, and sometimes your advice, are entertaining. Although I don't always agree with you, I find that your knowledge and balancing of the white line between advice and judgement to be artistically manoeuvred. I have my own fair share of problems and thought that maybe it's about time I seek your expertise.

You see, I was in a relationship well over a decade, but I am still in my early 30s. I devoted all I was to my partner at the time. I was one of those suffer-in-silence type of person who was in a relationship with a verbally abusive person. He never called me derogatory names, but he knew how to make me feel less than what I am. I don't want you to think it was always like that. We had our good times, but I could never live up to his expectations so we never wed, even though he would promise me that we would. I even had children with him on that promise because he would beg me for years to get pregnant and then we would get married. I know, I know, a promise is a comfort to a fool and I was naive.

Pastor, I am not stupid. I am probably your modern-day renaissance woman. I held a job and took care of him for years while he was not working. I sent myself back to school because he never gave me a dime throughout our relationship and I could count on one hand the amount of gifts he ever bought me, but I struggled with him until he was made or as some would say, 'him reach'. Then I found out he was seeing another woman, and that was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Since I left him, I have been lonely for a year. I self-reflected until I finally gave in to a man I barely knew. We had sex once and I couldn't go there again. I saw another guy I really liked months after and, upon reflection, I realised I gave it up too easily. We had sex twice in a matter of months, but he treated me like how I acted, 'an easy lay', which hurt because I really liked him. The third guy was a male whore. We had sex twice as well, but I am afraid of that type of guy.

Since then, I have placed myself on a year's celibacy and am feeling good about myself, but I crave physical contact and am now at the point of wondering if I should find a sex partner until I find the right one. I am not the type to go around because it scares me, but why is it so hard to find a single, God-fearing man? I am a beautiful woman, so there are a lot of men after me, but, because of my past, I am extremely picky. I have children to think about and most of these men are either married or can't take care of themselves, let alone myself and my kids. I wouldn't say I want a rich man, but I will never be used again the way I was - bearing the majority of the weight. All the men I meet are either married, in a relationship (which some of them lie about), or broke.

I try to learn from my mistakes, but my friends tell me my standards are too high and that I need to cut some things off my list; however, I don't think so. I don't ask for much in a man, but that he loves God and is willing to help me stay committed to God. My ex was a Christian backslider, so I want someone who is committed to God and someone who can, at least, take care of himself and his family and is a gentleman at heart. Am I to believe that that type is non-existent? Or that that is too much to ask for? Or will I be forever lonely and have to resort to promiscuity?

Initials withheld

Dear Writer,

You say that you have changed but, please, don't fool yourself by believing that you have had a high standard. That sounds like a joke, and I know that you don't mean to amuse me. You talk about church as if you go to church regularly. If that is the case, I congratulate you for doing so and I hope that God will grant you the desire of your heart.

You need not condemn yourself because many females have come to themselves, so to speak, after the horses have already gone through the gate. You cannot reverse your past, but you can be determined not to repeat the same mistakes. You are in your 30s and there are many men who are also in their 30s and 40s and even older, and, believe it or not, they are searching for women. And they will tell you that women have let them down and have abused them, so relationships can be very stressful. It's like a woman who is trying to get pregnant and when she is in her 30s she becomes very frustrated. She gets into her 40s and nothing happened and so she is willing to give up; and just when she has given up, she becomes pregnant. She jumps to the sky and when reality hits her, she asks herself, "How am I going to manage at this age?"

What I am trying to say is, don't go looking for a man just to satisfy your sexual urges. Pray and look around, but wait on the Good Lord. He knows your needs and if it is His will for you to have a husband, He will provide him for you.


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