I hate my parents
I was molested by my father for eight years as a child. He told me that if I told anyone he would kill me and my mother. I never said a word to anyone because he also abused me physically by beating me until I had open wounds, and emotionally by cursing me.
Now, at the age of 19, it so happened that my mother found out that I was molested and she cried and broke up with him.
We slept in the same house but he stayed downstairs. I saw this act as finally having someone to stick up and fight for me, as I suffered alone in silence out of fear and ignorance for so many years.
However, I am back at square one again. My mother decided to get back together with my father because the "Lord has been working on her heart". She didn't even tell me; I had to figure it out.
I feel so broken and all alone. I stopped going to church because they go to church together and I don't want to see him. I can no longer hold my tongue and hide my feelings anymore. I have had enough. And I just want to die. I don't pray anymore because it makes no sense. I hate him and I'm starting to hate her because she has betrayed me. She is a fool.
That man is wicked. I feel so disappointed and let down. They have belittled what he has done to me because they want to continue pretending.
My heart is so heavy and I feel as if I deserve no one's love. I feel so unclean and damaged and disgusting. I am struggling with suicidal thoughts. He has hurt me so bad.
And now she has gone back to him and is telling me to forgive, as if I don't have any right to be angry and feel hurt and destroyed. She has brought me so much more pain.
I wish I wasn't born. I want to report it but I wish for it to be dealt with privately. I want him to go to jail forever and die alone. He should pay. Please help me.
Your father should be in prison. When your mother became aware that your father sexually molested you, she was angry, but evidently, she did not report him to the police. She separated herself from him temporarily, but she failed to do something that would have helped you to deal with the trauma you underwent.
I do understand why you hate your father. How could you love a man who for eight years sexually molested you and threatened you and your mother and everybody living in the same house?
I am sure your mother felt that the best way to deal with this matter was to keep it down and don't let anybody know about it.
The truth is, however, that was not something to keep down. That was something to make known and report to the police.
If your mother had reported it, the police could have made arrangements to help you to meet with a professional and undergo therapy.
I know you feel that even now your father should be arrested, tried and sentenced to prison. You need the help of your mother, but I doubt very much that she would want to go to court or to assist you in getting help.
Nevertheless, you do need to meet with a psychologist and go through therapy.
I further suggest that you go to the nearest police station and speak to the police officer who is in charge of the police station in confidence and ask him for advice.
Make sure you get his name and his number. If you do not feel comfortable talking to a male, make sure you ask to speak to a female officer of high rank. Make a note also of the person's name and number.
Feel free to contact me at any time to let me know what progress you have made. I would be very happy to refer you to a psychologist, but will prefer if you do so after you speak to a senior police officer.
I know you have stopped praying, but please don't give up on God.