I love her, but not sure about marriage

September 09, 2016

Dear Pastor,

I am a 30-year-old man and a college graduate. While attending college, I went to rural Jamaica with a friend. He has two lovely sisters and I fell in love with one of them.

I didn't say anything to him, but I took the numbers of both sisters and I called and texted them. The one that I loved didn't seem very interested in me, but the other did, so I backed away so as not to cause problems between the two girls.

One day, my friend (their brother) said that the sister I loved asked him why I had stopped corresponding with her. I lied and told him that I did not realise that she liked me.

He called me a liar and the conversation ended. We went back to the country together, and this time, I had space to talk to her because the other sister realised which one I loved.

The big problem that I am having is that this is a Christian family, and a tightly knit family. They also don't believe that a man should take out their daughter and sleep with her unless they are married.

The one I love is a teacher, and she told me that she has never had a serious boyfriend and is still a virgin. She says that if I am interested in her, before we get married, I would have to get baptised.

They are Pentecostal people. This girl even speaks in tongues. I have never seen her in a skirt that is above her knees. We went shopping, and she wore loose-fitting jeans.

We went out together and all our conversation focused around Christianity and family life. I love this girl to my heart. I tried to make rude jokes, but she did not smile at such jokes. Do you think this girl is too stiff?

I don't want to get baptised in a Pentecostal church, so I am wondering what to do. I don't want to break her heart, either. I really want to make the right decision. This girl is not easy to get. She has changed me. I did not think I could do without sex for a couple of weeks, but since this girl and I are getting serious, I have dropped my other girlfriends.

Have I done the right thing? I need your help.


Dear D.L.,

If you really love this girl, allow this relationship to grow. She has her standards and they are very high. Nothing, absolutely nothing, is wrong with that.

If you want this young woman, you have to lift your standards, too. You cannot say that you do not understand that she is a Christian.

On the other hand, you really have a problem. You are not a Christian and you should not force yourself to be a Christian, and neither should you pretend that you are going to change.

Christianity is a matter of the heart. Jesus says that one has to be born again to become a Christian.

To put it another way, one has to be born from above. So although you love this young woman, you ought not to pretend that your life has changed and give her the impression that the spiritual aspect of your life is taken care of so both of you can plan your wedding.

In any case, this young woman is very smart and you would not be able to trick her easily. May I suggest that you allow this relationship to develop. Don't push yourself on this woman. I don't believe she is pushing herself on you.

Respect her, and if both of you are to get together in marriage, everything will fall in place, but it will take time.

Concerning the sex, that is not the most important part of a relationship, especially when you are getting to know each other. I hope you are not making the mistake by trying to make her go to bed with you.

According to what you have said, you have not had sex "in a couple of weeks" and you have not died. You can wait much longer for the one you truly love.


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