I have a long list of sex partners - I can't tell my husband all the truth

March 06, 2017

Dear Pastor,

I was listening to your show and heard you discussing whether honesty is the best policy, so I decided to write to you.

Broadly speaking, Pastor, one can say that honesty is the best policy, but there are times when a man has to lie to get out of trouble or when a woman can't talk the truth, otherwise her man would leave her.

I have told my husband as much as I think he should know and we have been married for 15 years. When I first met my husband, he said to me, "So you have had lots of guys in your life, I supposed."

It was a question and a statement at the same time.




That evening when he dropped me home, I sat down on my bed with a pencil and paper and decided to write down the names of every man I had sex with before meeting him. The more I, the more I remembered and the longer the list became.

I started from when I was in high school, then to community college, to university and the guys who dated me. I got married and divorced, then I went crazy again with guys. I decided I could never tell my husband how many guys I slept with, but my list was very long.

I did not feel ashamed of myself, but not proud either. I tore up the list and in the morning, I made sure I burned the paper.

My husband was very smart. Sometimes when he is talking about girls, he would say, "Oh, she was just my old girlfriend." But if I were honest, we would not be married today, because he wouldn't want a woman who has been around town.

I see guys all the time that I admire and like, but I won't tell my husband about them. I have gone on business trips and after the meetings, I attend clubs. My husband asked me what I did after the meetings, I don't tell him exactly where I have been or who took me out. That is the risk I would not take.

I want to be honest, but, at the same time, I want to save my marriage.

Honesty is the best policy, but perhaps not always.

My father has an account. It has a substantial amount in it. When I met my husband, he asked me if I had money. I told him how much I had, but I never told him that my name is in my father's account. He does not know about that account. Some people would say that's dishonesty, perhaps it is, but why should my husband know about that account when, in a real sense, it is not mine.

When I tell my husband that I love him, I really mean that I do. When I tell my children that I love them, I mean it. I am honest about it. And when they tell me that they love me, I hope that they are speaking the truth.

I am honest in my business dealings. I want to be honest, but I know that I am not truthful in everything that I do and say. Good topic, Pastor.


Dear L.I.,

Interesting thoughts. I am so glad that you do not have to mention everything about your past, and I am sure that you do not have to divulge the amount of money that is in your dad's account. That's not your husband's business. It is your father's money.

I am glad that you are trying your very best to be honest in business. By the way, I don't think that your husband would want to know everything that you do on business trips, etc. He does not expect you to be unfaithful to him while you are gone; and you expect him to be faithful to him.

Honesty is the best policy, but common sense plays a big role in honesty.


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