Should I choose my man or my church?

March 30, 2017

Dear Pastor,

This is the third time I am writing to you, and I can't understand why you have not answered me. Maybe you haven't received my letters. I am 21 years old and I'm trying to be a Christian. I have a boyfriend. He was my heart and soul. I loved him so much, but when I became a Christian, I told him that if he wanted us to continue to have sex, we would have to get married. He said that he wasn't ready to get married and that I can go and marry the person who told me that we have to get married.

After two weeks, I was so lonely and I missed him so much that I called him and told him that he should come to see me. He said he was not coming. So I went to see him. When I went and knocked, he opened the door and asked me what I was doing there. I went in and I saw a girl sitting on a chair watching TV. I told him, "I'm sorry. I didn't know you had a visitor. I should leave." He told me, "No. You shouldn't leave. She's just a friend." So I sat down and I was crying. He spoke to the girl and she left. I asked him why he had to have a girlfriend so soon. He said, "She's not my girlfriend. We don't have anything going." I went and lay down on his bed and he came and undressed me and we had sex.

I don't know what to do because I love this man, but he doesn't like my church. He is building a house and his relatives told me that I am giving up having a future with him by pushing him to get married right away. His mother told me to hold on.

Pastor, what should I do? I know that if I stop having sex with him, he is going to leave me. So please tell me what to do.


Dear F.J.

This is a very difficult one. You have not said how long you have been involved with this guy, but evidently, he loves you and you love him unconditionally. He knows that, but now that you have started to go to church, the relationship is strained. You told him that unless both of you get married you can't have sex with him, and that annoys him. He knows that he can get sex from other girls, but I am sure that you are not willing to share him because one of these other girls might please him and it won't be long before he falls in love with her and totally ignore you.

I know that some people would say that you should just walk away from this man and serve the Lord, but that is a decision that you alone should be allowed to make. Nobody should pressure you to make that decision. I am not saying that it is a wrong decision, but I would rather you make that decision on your own.

I believe that if this man loves you as much as you love him, he should be willing to go with you for counselling. He is building a home, and many Jamaica men prefer to have their own home before they get married. I don't agree with that decision, because it may take them many years before they are able to build or buy a home. That is why I am saying to you that both of you should talk to a family counsellor who might be able to reason with your gentleman and show him why both of you can get married without him feeling pushed by anyone.

I believe it can be done. You say he does not like your church, so tell him you would be willing to change church if that is what it would take for you to live a life that is pleasing to God. If he has a good relationship with his mother and listens to her, try and get closer to her. If there is anybody in this world who can talk to her son, it would be his mother.


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