I miss my dead husband, but I'm considering marriage

June 22, 2017

Dear Pastor,

I am 50 years old and I am having a problem. I lost my husband four years ago. He was 67 years old. We had four children together. He was a good man. He also had an outside child and he took care of her. He had her before we met. She loves me just like my other children, and she calls me mama.

I don't know why, but her mother did not like me much. My husband told me that she believes that I took him away from her, but that was not true.

When I met him, he never told me he had another woman. He told me that I was the only woman in his life, and I believed him because he started to sleep with me three weeks after we met. He earned good money and he wasn't mean to me. All the children went to good schools. I miss him so much.

All my children are grown, and they take good care of me. My husband left me in a nice house, and I am not in debt. The children bought me a car because the one my husband left me was old.

I don't know what you would think of my situation. One of the leaders of the church I attend is 68 years old. His wife died seven months ago. He came to me and told me that he likes me and he can't live alone, so he wants a woman in his life. I told him I wasn't interested. He told me I should think about it and pray about it.




This man has his own home and is very educated. On my birthday in March, he bought me a pair of bracelets. He took me out, and when he dropped me home, I invited him in, but he refused. He said, "Not yet". It was only 11 o'clock. I told him I was sorry for inviting him in because I did not consider that time to be late. He told me that he told his children that he loves me. They told him to go and see a lawyer and let the lawyer advice him how he can go about protecting what he has.

Pastor, I don't want anything that he has, if we should get married. I have my own. I am getting to like him. He keeps well. Since his wife died, I don't hear anybody say anything bad about him. From what I understand, he told the other two leaders in the church that he likes me. I asked him why he informed them, and he said it is better for him to tell them than for them to hear from other people.

This man preaches and travels. Pastor, I don't know if I can adjust my life to suit his. I keep looking at his pants front when he is near to me. But I can't see anything. He tells me that he suffers from diabetes. I didn't have any intention of getting another man, but sometimes I feel lonely. It is not the sex I am after, but if I get married, I expect the man to have sex with me.

I haven't told this man whether or not I will marry him, yet he is planning the marriage for Boxing Day this year. I would like to give myself more time to get to know his people, but he is in a hurry.

I need your advice.


Dear T.A.,

The very tone of your letter tells me that you intend to accept this man's proposal and marry him. You love him, and you want him. You believe that he would make you a good partner. Although you do not know his children well, they are not standing in the way. And the advice that they have given to their father is solid. They are not saying that you would rob him in any way; they are concerned about his future and theirs. So allow him to get the advice, that they have suggested, from an attorney.

This man has spoken to the other members of the church about the relationship he is having with you. He is not wrong in doing so. He would prefer to tell them instead of them hearing from people who are outside of the church, or from even members who would engage themselves in careless talk.

I suggest that both of you lay everything on the table, so to speak. Don't hide anything from each other, including finances. Both of you should go to your doctors and check your health.

You don't have to watch his pants front to see if he is capable of having an erection. What you should insist on is that you accompany him to his doctor and both of you discuss his health problems together with the doctor. Be prepared to take good care of this man. But, before I go, I should emphasise that if this man is in any major debt, don't marry him. Any debt that he is in should be insignificant. You don't want, at your age, to be trapped with a man who has major debt.

If you agree to marry him, don't take a long time to do so. However, December 26 might be too early. Take time to know him.


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