Christian wife refuses to try new sex positions

July 20, 2017

Dear Pastor,

I read your column every day and I enjoy it. You make me consider a lot of things. I am 30 years old and I am married, but I am having problems. My wife is 25 years old. When I met her, she was so very nice to me. She told me that she had a boyfriend, but they broke up because he had two other women with her. She said she went to visit him one Saturday evening and he was in bed with another woman, and this woman she caught him with was a street girl.

I was so impressed with this woman that it only took me three months to marry her. I asked her for sex, but she said no sex until we were married. Two weeks before we got married, I called her and told her that we should cancel the wedding and she asked me why, and I told her that I am not sure whether she is a man or woman.

She told me that if it is sex I want she will let me have it, because all her relatives are invited to the wedding. I waited on her, but she didn't come. So I called her about 10 o'clock the night and told her that if she didn't get to my place, I was not going to go through and I don't care. About an hour and a half after, she showed up crying. I know you are going to say I should not have forced her. But, pastor, I have heard about so many stories from women who fooled men.

When I started to romance her, she wouldn't move. She was lying down like a dead log. It was as if I was having sex with myself. After we got married, I talked to her and asked her if that was the way she and her boyfriend used to have sex, and she said it was not done regularly. She said that as a Christian, she doesn't think it is right to do what some men want their women to do. I told her we are married and we should try different positions because it is not a sin. Nothing I have said over the months has changed this woman. When I try to put her in different positions, she says I should leave her alone.

I asked her sister, who is married, to talk to her, and she said she is not an animal so why should a man put her in that position. I am writing you because I want you to tell me what to do. I am not getting anywhere with this woman. Do you think I will be doing the wrong thing if I divorce her?


Dear J.W.,

Your letter has prompted me to ask whether you and this woman attended premarital counselling. In premarital counselling, everything regarding marriage is discussed. And there are opportunities for questions concerning the marriage, children, sex and financial issues. But even if you did not attend counselling, your wife and you are adults and you should be able to discuss sex and the different positions couples can try, and what you would learn to love and enjoy as a couple.

From what you have written about your wife, it is not lack of knowledge that she does not have. She is behaving as someone who is very foolish, and perhaps does not enjoy sex at all. She seems to be trying to punish you from time to time by withholding sex. Perhaps she does not see it as something to enjoy, but something to endure.

The Bible clearly teaches that sex is not only for procreation; sex is also for pleasure. The way your wife responded to her sister shows that she is very silly and perhaps does not want to remain married. The bible says that a man should enjoy his wife, and you are not enjoying her. It also says that a couple should not punish each other by withholding sex from each other.

I have to tell you, dear sir, that right now your wife is not behaving as an intelligent woman. But I must encourage you to continue to try your best with her. Perhaps you should make an appointment to see a family counsellor and discuss the matters that you are encountering with her.


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