He gave me an incurable disease

September 28, 2017

Dear Pastor,

I am 23 years old now, and I feel like my concerns can’t even be discussed with my closest friend. I have been in a relationship for over six years now with an older guy. 

He is the only person I have ever had sexual intercourse with, so I became very close to him. After having sex with him for a few times, I noticed changes in my body. My doctor later informed me that I have contracted a disease. I was so embarrassed, and I felt really low. I always tell myself that I would save myself until marriage, but obviously I didn’t hold out. After finding this out, I told him what my doctor said, and he seemed embarrassed too because he didn’t know he was carrying any form of disease.

Most people would go nuts, but I was patient with him and told him that we can work on getting rid of it. Only to find out that the STD was incurable. I was devastated. I started to hate myself. I felt dirty on the inside, especially when I got break outs. It was the worse feeling. I cried many nights.

By this time, I moved out of my home because my guardian and I weren’t getting along well. Knowing that I was wrong for doing this at my age, I felt justified after I bought medications and didn’t dispose it properly. Somehow my guardian found out what my medication was for and told my mother who was away and other people in the family. Then my family rejected my relationship even though I denied it when they asked me. I didn’t think it was any of their business.

After leaving home, I found out that it was not easy to be living with a man. Having to wash, cook and clean and also to take care of his every need, but he helped me sometimes. He took care of me when I got sick, and he would ensure that I eat every day. He was not working, so the little we had, had to be used sparingly. There were times we would argue and even fight. He has said and done things that are hard to forget, and I have also said hurtful things as well, but that was another way of hurting him when we got physical.

We lived in the same home with his family and they lived like puss and dog. Sometimes they would try to fuss to him about me but he would always defend me. I told him to try and find a job so that we could move out. He refused because he said he would not get a good salary. By this time I wanted to go back home because I was very uncomfortable but at the same time, I was too ashamed.


We finally left and went to live elsewhere. It was almost nowhere, but there was a roof above our heads. I knew I didn’t have to live this way, but I didn’t want to leave him after we've come this far, so I stayed with him. Surprisingly, we moved back to the previous house and shortly after, I migrated to the USA. I would help him whenever I could, but it became frustrating because while we are in the relationship, we have been struggling financially. I started to wonder if he was lazy, but he says he's hustling and I should trust him.

He never asked me for money unless he was desperate. He wants to marry me, but I told him not yet because I am not sure if he is a lazy man, and we have other issues to resolve before marriage as well. I visited him, but I don’t understand his hustling because it hasn’t gotten him very far.

I would like to marry him and to help him, but I am not pushing it because I want to see where our relationship is going. We are very open and honest with each other. I have never had to check him about any woman. Sometimes I feel angry towards him, but I am learning to forgive. I don’t love him the way he claims to love me. I wonder if he clings to me because he has no one else. Sometimes I feel like leaving because it has been one problem after the other, but I know that no man will want a woman with such a disease that I have. I am finishing college now, and things have been good so far, but I don’t know if am wasting my life with this man.

I desperately need your advice!

Dear N.C,
Although, you have not given the name of the disease that you contracted, you have said enough for me to know that you are talking about herpes.

To enlighten my readers, I would like to say that it is possible for a person to contract herpes from an infected individual, even when no sore is present.

“People who develop herpes in the genital area, often continue to have outbreaks for the rest of their lives. There is no medical cure for the herpes virus.”

It is said that approximately 1/3 of unmarried sexually active persons have contracted herpes by the age of 30. And it is not unusual for a person to be infected and not know it. “A few people with herpes have never had a noticeable sore.”

However, many who have contracted herpes from the men they trusted sincerely have eventually ended the relationships with them. Doctor Joe S. McIlhaney in writing about herpes says: “Sexually transmitted genital herpes poses a grave threat to newborn babies. If a woman delivers vaginally during her first outbreak of genital herpes, her baby has a 40 to 50 per cent chance of becoming infected. If the baby becomes infected, it has a 60 per cent chance of dying. Infected babies who survive have a 50 per cent chance of being severely brained damaged. Herpes is a horrible infection for a baby and a terrifying infection for a pregnant woman because of the potential for infecting her baby.”

You are in the wrong relationship, and I will not hesitate to tell you to bring it to an end. What has happened cannot be undone, but you will always have to endure the emotional and physical suffering that this man has caused you. This man is not in a position to help you pay the doctors bills, and you will forever need to be under your doctor’s care. His hustling can’t help you, and I hope that women who have read your letter and my response would take heed and not be careless with their bodies.

I wish you well. Please, let me hear from you again.


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