I don't want to be gay anymore
I am a young male. I have a devastating issue for which I seek your advice.
I have been struggling with homosexual desires from I became aware of my sexuality. It has plagued me right throughout my childhood into my adult years.
I used to lock myself away and cry, and many times I became depressed. It has significantly affected my self-esteem. I do desire females and have taken advantage of it during my early teenage years.
I had heterosexual encounters, but I have never been in love with a female. I was sexually abused by my male neighbour, who was about 18 years old at the time and I was about six or seven, but I have never shared it with anyone until I was an adult.
I opened up to a few friends, but I never disclosed it to my parents. Many times I wonder if my early exposure to homosexuality may have contributed to my homosexual desires now.
As time progressed, the feelings got even stronger, and I would admire males. I eventually had my first encounter with a male. Deep down I knew it was wrong, but the desire didn't leave.
I am a Christian, and I know that homosexuality is not normal. So even though I got involved, I tried not to get into a relationship of that nature.
I questioned God many times as I cried, asking Him why I had to have this desire. I also had low self-esteem and felt that I could never have a girlfriend.
However, I made an effort to stimulate my thoughts with heterosexual thoughts and would constantly tell myself that I was not made by God to be a homosexual; it is abnormal.
Pastor, I want a good Christian life with a wife, and I would constantly encourage my gay associates not to limit themselves to homosexuality.
FELL FOR A FEMALE
I eventually fell for a female who I knew from I was at university. She has a bright future, and she seems to love me. What makes it more encouraging is that I have sexual desires for her, so it means that I was not made for a man.
I am an ambitious guy who knows I will make a great family man, but I do struggle with homosexual desires. I have also become a frequent consumer of pornography, especially the gay ones.
I have met men who are married and those with girlfriends and also sleep with men. That's not the life I want for myself.
As time progresses, I hope this relationship with the female will flourish and that I may want to marry her and have a family.
I considered suicide many times, as a child. I've waited very long before I approached any female because I thought my life was hopeless. I have prayed daily.
Many guys out there are going through similar problems. What really puzzles me is the fact that I am uncertain if it is my early exposure to homosexuality that causes me to develop the desire, or I may have had it and the exposure just made it stronger.
Please, give me your advice.
I wish I knew of a miracle pill that I could suggest that you take to bring an end to your homosexual desires, but such pills are not available.
I have carefully read your letter, and what has puzzled me is that you have not mentioned whether you have ever sought professional help. It does not appear that you have. It seems to me that you have been fighting this matter on your own.
In spite of the condemnation and verbal abuse I have suffered in believing that homosexuality is contrary to nature, I will continue to say so because that is what the Bible teaches.
However, the Bible also teaches that God is able to transform the life of an individual and make him or her into a new person.
To many, what I have just said is nonsense, but God's power is limitless. And He can change you.
It is unfortunate that you were sexually abused when you were a child and you did not receive therapy. Perhaps that unfortunate experience has indeed affected your life.
I suggest that you call a family counsellor and make an appointment to see him or her. I will be praying for you.