My daughter wants to know her sperm donor

May 01, 2018

Dear Pastor,

I am 41 years old, and I have been married for five years. My wife is 10 years older than me. I became involved with her when she was carrying her first child. She told me that the guy who got her pregnant and herself had been friends for one year. She did not have sex with anybody but him, but as soon as she told him that she got pregnant, he told her that he had a new girlfriend and he was not going to leave her, so she was on her own. She could have done whatever she wanted.

She contemplated abortion, but I discouraged her. I fell in love with her, and we got married. Not even my family members knew that the pregnancy did not belong to me. And this is the only child this woman has ever had.

Now, I am having a problem because our daughter is insisting that she would like to know her real father and her mother is adamant that she is not going to tell her who her biological father is. She tells our daughter that she is too ungrateful and that she could have destroyed her when she was in her womb. I told her that for peace in the house, she should tell the girl. It would not damage our relationship. But, my wife is not listening to me. She seems to know where the man lives. She said she does not know, but I do not believe her.

I had a son before I met this woman. I didn't ask his mother to give him up when I got married to my wife. I have not ill-treated my step-daughter. She calls me daddy. I borrowed money to send her to school. But although I have done these things for her, she still wants to know the man who got her mother pregnant, who the mother describes as a sperm donor.

Do you think I should try to find this man so that we can have peace in our house? The only time I have heard my wife and her daughter argue is over this matter. Give me your advice. The girl said she does not want to live with him and she doesn't want anything from him. She just wants to know him.

Thank you, Pastor.


Dear B.L.,

I understand how your wife feels. This man embarrassed her when he refused to accept paternity. He said that she was not carrying his child, and you can imagine that if you had not stepped in and taken charge, it would have been embarrassing for her to tell her parents that this man she now calls sperm donor had said she could do an abortion because he has another girlfriend.

This young woman has grown up as your child. She is indeed yours, and she will always be yours. But, she wants to know her biological father. Your wife may consider that as ungratefulness, but the young woman believes that something is missing from her life. And that something is that she does not know her biological father. Your wife could have lied to her. She could have told her that he is dead, but she didn't because she knows that he is alive.

As I answer this letter, I am thinking of a young woman who would have nothing to do with her father. One day, I asked her for her dad, and she responded by saying that he was dead. However, her father is not dead. I have seen him on the road. He is very much alive, but she considers him dead.

Your wife knows where to find her daughter's

biological father. Try to convince her that it is in the interest of the family to allow her daughter to meet her biological father. Perhaps after she has met him, she will regret making the effort to do so. I wish both of you well. Please continue to be a good father to this girl.


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