I think God hates me
I am 19 years old. Through my years of growing up, I was always sickly and considered to be a black sheep of the family. I was the only one my father did not own. My life growing up was rough, but to everyone else, they thought it was paradise because my family let it seemed so. I grew up with my mom. She was hardly around. She was always working.
I have two other sisters who are older than I am. I am considered to be the brains of the family, and the perfect one. But the truth is, pastor, I am far from perfect. I go through a lot of stuff, but I have no one to talk to because I was grown to stay by myself. And, at this blessed moment, I and simply breaking down physically, mentally, emotionally; and I have lost most of my spiritual beliefs.
I found out that I was pregnant eight months ago. I was terrified, because I am in school, so I did everything I can and eventually aborted the pregnancy. Now, I am living with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). I did not say anything to my boyfriend at the time because I don't know how he would have reacted knowing that I killed a four-month pregnancy.
From that abortion, everything started tearing apart in my life. Pastor, I don't know what to do. I think God hates me.
I am very, very sorry to hear of your problems and I pledge to you that I would remember you in my prayers. However, I do feel that you need to receive professional help in person. And, I say in person because this type of therapy is not a one-shot affair.
Anyone who has had an abortion and is emotionally, physically and psychology affected needs to undergo therapy, because what you have done is not something simple, it's major. But, please, don't misunderstand me. I am not condemning you at all. Perhaps you had the abortion because you believe that you could not handle the child while attending school.
I am assuming that you have been seeing your gynaecologist and that you are following his/her advice. I will endeavour to send you the name of a psychologist with whom you may make an appointment.
Perhaps after discussing your problems with a psychologist, he/her may advice you whether it would be necessary to inform your boyfriend about the abortion. At the moment, I would not suggest that you do so, because you are not psychologically or emotionally strong enough to cope with any sort of condemnation he may heap on you. For example, he may tell you that you are no good and that he hates you for terminating the pregnancy, and you may fret over what he says and worsen your physical condition.
Please, feel free to contact me again.