Tired of my man telling me bad words

May 17, 2019

Dear Pastor,

This is my first time writing to you. I have a relationship problem and I would like your advice.

I am 27 and I have been living with my spouse for six years. Our relationship has been struggling for years with arguments and no proper communication, and things don't seem to be getting better.

Pastor, I can't have a conversation with my spouse without him calling me disgusting, controlling, annoying words and telling me expletives.

He works at a garage and most nights he comes home very late. If I call him to ask what time he would be home, he says I have no right to ask him that as he is his own big man.

He drinks a lot, and I can't say anything about it because he will get upset and curse me. I can't remind him about paying the bills on time, because he will get angry and curse.

If I ask him about the money he works, he doesn't answer me. He says that's not my problem and I should worry about my own life.

I am afraid to talk to him most times because of how he responds to me, and he says it's my fault why he gets upset and tells me expletives. He also says I am too controlling.

I try my best to stay out of his way and not say anything to him, but if he comes home and I don't say anything to him, he gets angry at me and says I don't care about him. I do everything for this man.

no pressure

I wash, cook, and clean, and I split the bills between us. I do not pressure him for anything. I buy my own clothes and do my hair.

The only thing he pays is the rent and the light bills; everything else I take care of, so he is under no pressure from me.

He doesn't want me to be involved in anything he does. He doesn't want me to ask him any questions, whether it's about our relationship or our home in general.

He only talks when he wants to talk, and at that point I have to sit and listen to him. I can't say anything; he will tell me to shut up and listen to him.

He says he knows about life and I don't understand life, so I should listen to him and my life will get better. He said I am the reason why the relationship is unhappy.

He says I ask too many questions and if I stop asking him questions, our relationship will be better.

I am confused because I don't know why he says I am controlling, when all I am doing is asking questions regarding our relationship. He is free to go wherever he wants.

Most times, I don't even know where he is and I don't ask him.

Pastor, I need your help. Is this any way for a couple to be living with no communication?


Dear J.R.,

I might begin by saying that judging from what you have written, you are a very good young lady and lots and lots of men would love to have a woman like you.

This man does not seem to appreciate what you are doing and he does not realise that you are a good woman.

You have the right to know where he is after certain hours have passed in the evening, and what time he is coming home.

Every good woman cares about her man and would love to know that he is OK. This man is behaving as a bully and he is fortunate to have you.

He is disrespectful. It is not you who needs help; he needs help. He says you are controlling, but by his actions, he is guilty of trying to control you, even your very thoughts.

Now, I am going to tell you something, and don't forget it. Remind this man that you earn your keep. You are not with him because you are begging him for anything.

Tell him that you have rights and if he won't respect you and cease using expletives to you, you are going to move on. Let him know you mean it. Men who respect their women don't constantly use fool language to them.

You should not remain with a man and not be aware where the relationship is going. Don't remain with this man and expect him to change.

Very soon you will be 30, and if you don't insist that this man tell you about his plans, you will remain with him until you become an old maid, and no other man would want you.


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