My wife can’t keep a secret

June 17, 2019

Dear Pastor,

I can see that you are doing fine. I have been reading your column every day, and I enjoy what you say. I wish that sometimes I could do what you are doing, because I like helping people. I am a married man, and many people used to come to me for advice. But I had a very jealous wife, and she did not like to see me talking to women alone. She would come and just sit when girls were talking to me. Then she would comment.

A couple of times the girls insulted her by telling her that they were not speaking to her, they were speaking to me. I had to stop allowing women to talk to me. She and I had a big argument because a woman told me something and she repeated it to people in the church. The young woman was very embarrassed. She even stopped coming to the church.

This young woman has a child for her brother-in-law, and he refuses to support the child. He said he is not the father, and this girl doesn't want to take him to court or insist that they do a DNA test, because she does not want her sister to know that she had an affair with her husband.

Now, my wife heard that and mentioned it. Some of the leaders in the church heard about it, and my wife said that she doesn't care because this girl should not have given herself to her brother-in-law. She also said that I should not keep that as a secret. This girl did not say that, because she didn't want everybody to know. She told me that to get some help.

My wife is preventing me from doing God's work, and if I don't get rid of her, I will never be happy.


Dear B.J.,

I am very sorry to hear that your wife does not respect you, and she is unaware that by divulging what people said to you in confidence, she is destroying your ministry. When people speak to a family counsellor, they expect that what they have told the counsellor would be kept in confidence. And if the counsellor used what was said to him, even as illustration, he should have the ability to state it in such a way that no one would suspect who it came from.

You have to take part of the blame for what your wife did. She should not have been in the same room with you and a counsellee. You should have told her that she had to excuse herself. So, you must take part of the blame for what she has done.

It is wrong to condemn a counsellee regardless of what his or her problem is, or what he or she has done. And when a counsellee comes to you as a counsellor, you should try your very best to assist him or her without giving the impression that you are a judge and that you have the right to condemn the counsellee.


Your wife is an ignorant woman, and she should realise that Jesus did not condemn sinners. He said: " He that is without sin should cast the first stone. " This counsellee who came to you and talked about having an affair with her brother-in-law was reaching out for help. She did not want her problem to be known, because evidently, she was trying to protect her sister. It must be very embarrassing for a woman to go to bed with her brother-in-law, become pregnant for him, and now the child is not having any support from the father.

What this counsellee should do is to talk to the father and to tell him that she is willing to face the consequences, whatever it might be. If he does not support his child, she should speak to her sister privately and admit to her that she had an affair with her husband. Ask her for forgiveness and tell her why she has kept quiet about it.

Her sister might not forgive her right away, but she should let her know that she still loves her, and she expects this man to support his child. If he doesn't, she will take him to court. But that is a route she doesn't necessarily want to take, so she is appealing to her to talk to her husband and to get him to start support his child.


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