I feel like I murdered my baby
I am writing to you to ask you if you can pray for me, please. My world was shattered.
My baby girl died two days after birth because her lungs weren't fully developed. She was only three pounds when I gave birth. She was my first child.
Pastor, the day after she was born, when I went to the nursery, my baby had tubes in her mouth and she was breathing heavily.
I didn't even stay for five minutes because I couldn't bear to see her like that. I didn't touch her or pray over her, and I regret and blame myself for that every day.
I was admitted, so when I went to my bed, I cried, I prayed and I read my Bible. Her father came in the evening and we both went to see her. Pastor, I couldn't sleep, but I tried to stay positive.
I went to the nursery to see her the day after. But they rushed her to the intensive care unit. I went into the bathroom and went on my knees, praying; I kept calm and rested a little.
When I woke up, the doctor told me my baby was very sick. I went on my knees in front of her and I cried and prayed for my baby girl, and the other babies as well.
The doctor started to explain everything that was going on, then she told me that I had to excuse myself because they had work to do.
They discharged me, but I couldn't see the baby before I left because the nursery was closed.
When I reached home about 15 minutes later, they called me and asked me if I could come back to the hospital.
Pastor, I panicked and rushed out of the house crying. I felt it in my gut that something was wrong.
I was in the nursery crying when the doctor called me and told me that my baby had got worse.
OPENED HER EYES
A few minutes later, my baby girl opened her eyes for me for the first time.
She opened them wide and looked at me, and moved her hands and feet like she was telling me to pick her up; but I couldn't because of the tubes.
Pastor, I prayed, I encouraged her, I touched her that night. Then the doctors told me I had to leave. I felt my world crashing down.
When my babyfather and I went home, we went on our knees to pray for her and we cried. I couldn't sleep that night.
I woke up about 3 a.m., I felt as if my head was swelling and I started to pray again. After that, I woke up at about 7 a.m. to get ready to go to the hospital.
Pastor, I felt it in my heart that she was dead, but I prayed. When I reached the hospital, they told me that they had lost her at 2 a.m.
I felt like I was going to die. I keep blaming myself for her death.
She was premature because she had too much water surrounding her lungs. I was always keeping up my urine. Pastor, I feel like a murderer.
My baby's face haunts me every day. I can't have any peace.
Pastor, do you know how it feels to be in labour for a week, and in pain, and then your child dies? I can't function properly. It is like I have no life in me.
Everyone is telling me to cheer up, or to try again. But Pastor, I don't think I am going to love another child like how I loved my baby.
Pastor, I beg of you to keep me in your prayers, because this is haunting me.
I am going to take the liberty to inform readers that I have spoken to you and I have tried to encourage you.
I have suggested that you and the child's father should come to see me. We have to set an early date for that meeting.
I don't want you to blame yourself for the death of your firstborn. I don't understand what went wrong.
I know that after you have gained strength, you might be able to get some knowledge as to what really happened. I am sure that the doctors will try to explain more to you.
But, I repeat, do not blame yourself for the death of this child. Do not listen to what people say, either. People like to talk, and many times they say things that are not true.
I assure you of my prayers.
We will talk about many things when I meet with you. Please try and convince your boyfriend to come also. May the Good Lord bless you.