Husband overseas and sex toys can’t satisfy me

January 06, 2020

Dear Pastor,

I am writing to you about a problem I am having. My husband does not think that it is a problem. I have become a Christian for about nine months now and I am always wondering if what I am doing is right. You see, my husband is abroad studying. He tries to come home whenever he can, but he doesn't always have the money to do so. Before I became a Christian, we used to have wild sex. Because of my job, I cannot be with him overseas. I promised that I would stay in Jamaica, work and help him. He has one more year to go.

When I told my husband that I am so lonely, he told me to make sure that I don't get involved with any man. I told him that I will never do that. Well, a friend of mine went to Florida and brought back a vibrator for me. I told my husband about the vibrator and he said that that should help to keep me. I have been using the vibrator, but it is not the same as having my husband. And to tell you the truth, when I use it, it helps but I miss my husband's kisses and hugs and sweet talk.

My mother came to spend a few days with me and we were on the same bed and I felt that I needed some sex. So, I called my husband and told him how I felt. He told me he would call me back because he was in the middle of something. I could not sleep and I thought my mother was asleep so I came off the bed and went into the bathroom and was helping myself. I was in there so long that my mother became concerned and knocked on the door to find out if everything was all right. I told her I was all right.

Christians shouldn't

When I went back to bed, she asked me what I was doing and why was I crying. I told her I am so lonely and I need my husband. I also told her that I have a sex toy. I showed it to her and she said Christians shouldn't use these things. I felt worse. Then she told me about my father, that since he died, she has never gone with a man and has never used anything and she is quite happy, so I should learn to pray and keep my body under subjection. I felt ashamed and I promised that I will never take her into my confidence again.

Is it wrong for a married person, whose husband is not with her, to masturbate and use sex toys? Before I had the vibrator, whenever I felt for sex I would grab anything (I am ashamed to say this) and push it in me. Please, tell me nothing is wrong. But if what I am doing is wrong, let me know.

T.M.

Dear T.M.,

Whatever I say to you, there are those who would not agree. You say that you are a Christian. I cannot point you to any particular Scripture which deals with masturbation. I would say to you, however, that some Christian family counsellors see nothing wrong with it, while others do. I have said a million times or more that the Bible does not address the topic and where the Bible is silent, as a counsellor, I wish to be silent. And it is not wise for a counsellor to say, "Well this is how I see it." To say that this is how I see it, I should tell you what has brought you to that particular position.

You are a married woman and you miss your husband and you have strong sexual urges; sometimes you find that it's almost overbearing, so you masturbate and you get your sexual satisfaction by doing so. I am not prepared to condemn you. Your friend bought you a vibrator. It has helped, but you are not fully satisfied. It cannot take the place of the warmth from your husband.

Your mother tells you that Christians ought not to do what you are doing. Many would think that way, but I repeat, I am not prepared to say whether it is wrong or right. I would only say to you, pray and ask God to help you not to do anything to disgrace your husband or you.

Pastor

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