Marrying this man was a big mistake

January 07, 2020

Dear Pastor

Season's greetings to you. I'm a regular reader of your column and listener to your talk show. I've always wanted to write to you but instead brushed my situation aside. I am a devoted Christian. I got married in 2004. I didn't know much about marriage. I got close to this man because I needed help, which he provided. Shortly after getting married, I realised that it was my biggest mistake. But because this man assisted me, I was willing to try and love him. I would do all I could to make the marriage work, but it was one-sided. We weren't at the same level communication-wise, but I wanted it to work.

I don't have any children for him. I got pregnant but ended up having miscarriages. I had two children before and he had one. This man would just leave the house for months, doesn't answer my calls, doesn't return, but whenever the church puts on a crusade, he would show up at church because he wants to come back home. This normally happens, and when I try to find out why he keeps on leaving, he has no explanation.

I've been to four pastors seeking help to fix my marriage and it still hasn't worked. We got separated in 2009 again. My children's father filed for them and they left for the United States of America in 2015. I went to the States in 2016. I called my husband and told him I was leaving and when I get back I was going to look about the divorce. When I returned, I called him to the house and told him I'm ready to go through with it and he said I shouldn't do it. I asked him to give me one reason why I shouldn't go through with the divorce and until now, he has not responded. I've started the process and have a balance of $12,000 to complete the payment.

In 2016, I met this guy online. He's not a Christian, so I saw him as a friend. After a few months of communication, he told me he's not interested in friendship only as he finds me interesting. I met him and laid my cards on the table. He asked me to give him some time, to which I agreed because my divorce was not final.


After three years, I invited him over for Christmas. I told my pastor that I was inviting someone over. We got sexually involved. I couldn't live with my conscience. I went to my pastor and confess to him and asked him to remove me from the position I was holding (in church) and he said no, if he did that then I would continue having sex with this man, so he didn't.

My pastor met him and spoke with him. My pastor then told me that he understood what he was saying concerning his financial status in terms of making a commitment and since he's not a Christian, I should move on.

Pastor, the sad truth is that I truly love this man. I don't invite him over anymore, but we still communicate over the phone. My dad died recently and he keeps calling to find out how I'm doing and how things are coming along. He said he would love to be by my side but I banned him from my house.

My father likes my husband even though he told me not to let him come back the last time he left. Dad said that he was doing it too often without an explanation. And, Pastor, believe me, he heard that my dad died and he didn't even call to wish me happy holiday, as my dad died on December 22. I cried because even though we are going through a divorce, I was expecting him to call.

Now, a part of me wants to lift the ban on the other guy and I'm constantly reminded that the divorce is not finalised and I'm a Christian.


Dear S.W.,

You have had a very strange marriage and I wish it were possible to hear from this man you call your husband. In the first place, you did not love this man. You married him because you were seeking financial assistance. You got the assistance from him, but you could not force yourself to love him although you tried.

You see, madam, true love cannot be bought. If this man had known that you did not love him and that you were forcing yourself to love him, he would not have married you. However, he became aware of it after a while and that is why he would go away for months and not call you. He knew that you were just using him and he felt like a fool. So, from time to time, he would just walk away.

I would say to you, whether you know it or not, he is a good man. Some men would have cursed you and say disgraceful things to you, but instead of doing so, he walked away. You think that you are such a wonderful woman, but you are a 'ginal'.

Now this other guy got into your life, and by telling the pastor that you went to bed with this guy, it was your way in trying to get this man to marry you. This was because you were trying to say that as a Christian who has a position in the church, you should not fornicate and the pastor would not like you to practise fornication. So he would encourage the man to marry you. I am not condemning you, but I see trickery on your path.

I would encourage you to continue serving the Lord, and if it is God's will for you to get a husband, he will provide one for you in his own time. So, keep going to church. I regret hearing that your father has passed on. May God bless his memory and may his soul find rest. My prayers are with you.


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