Don’t want to believe that he’s using me

May 14, 2020

Dear Pastor,

I grew up in a somewhat dysfunctional family; my mother has always been a hard worker because she hustles for her children and never gives up on them.

She has four boys and I am the only girl. I grew up watching her get beaten by her last babyfather. She is still with this man and things have got worse.

Sometimes I think that I have low self-esteem because I always worry about what others might say about me.

Even though my mom is a good mother, she has done wrongs because she would curse me and make me feel bad. She said it's better to do that rather than beat her children.

I found myself going astray at times because I got involved with many different men. I made many mistakes and I was used by these men.

Things changed as I became an adult and started working at a call centre. I met this guy while going to work. We exchanged numbers.

I never liked him at first but I became involved with him and we have been together for three years.

Living with him can be frustrating because he likes to do whatever he wants without thinking that he would hurt me.

He has helped me to become a responsible woman and I respect that. He taught me how to cook and to be more independent. The only problem I have with him is that he is too wild.

He also has an anger problem. He always wants to be in control and tries to bully me at times.

While living with him, he migrated to the US after one year in our relationship. After he got his green card, he left me here in Jamaica in his home. He's a hard worker and that inspires me.

I have never had a second thought about him having other women. He's the jealous type and most times he assumes that I am cheating on him. That makes me angry and depressed because I have never cheated on him.

Whenever I complain, he tries to make it seem like it's my fault. He flies to Jamaica once per year. He would bring clothes and stuff from abroad for my mom and me.

The problem is that he's always going out to parties. But I realised that he goes out to look other women.

I found a naked picture in his phone with a girl in his room abroad. When I confronted him, he said that it was his friend's woman.

I asked him why his friend would have sex with a girl in his room on his bed, and why would the picture be taken with his phone?

I realised that he's a big liar. I think so many times of leaving him but I don't know how. I don't want to think that he's using me but I'm confused right now. I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this.

He wants to get me pregnant so badly. I am not on any contraceptive, but he thinks I am. I don't know what is wrong with me because I can't get pregnant but I'm planning to seek help.

I want to focus on my life and continue attending classes. I was supposed to start HEART to do another course in business administration but the pandemic hindered all of that. I just need your opinion right now.


Dear S.W.,

I know when this man sees my reply, he will hate me. But I must tell you that you are a very, very good girl and this man does not deserve you.

But, you are naive. I know that for sure because while this man is being unfaithful, you are hoping that he will get you pregnant. That shouldn't be on your mind at all. You should be thanking God that you have never got pregnant.

I recognise that this man has been very helpful to you, but he is also using you. He has you under his control. I suggest that you try and go back to school and get yourself an education and leave this man.

He knows that you need his help so he is abusing you. Leaving you in his house when he is abroad and making promises to you is a form of abuse. So, do your best to get an education and leave him.

I could say much more, but I wouldn't at the moment.


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