Can’t forgive my man for cheating

May 20, 2020

Dear Pastor,

I am writing to you because I have tried to get over something by myself, but I am running out of ideas. About a year ago my boyfriend cheated on me and had a child out of the affair.

He did not tell me about the affair, but I found out from a family friend. The affair put a massive strain on our relationship. He is not intimately involved with the child's mother, but he claims that they only correspond when it comes to the little boy.

We don't have children together, but I had a child before I met him and he had one before he met me.

I went to Christmas dinner at his mother's house last year and the child's mother sent pictures of the child to her. The mother showed me the pictures.

She said it was my boyfriend's child, and I told her that I didn't believe that the child was his. She did not like what I said and she told my boyfriend.

She told him that I snatched the phone from her to see the baby, and that was not true. She also posted pictures of the child's mother on WhatsApp knowing I would see them. I felt embarrassed, so I blocked her.


Before this incident, I cheated on my boyfriend and got pregnant, but I did an abortion. My boyfriend forgave me, but at times he reminds me about it.

Since these things have happened, me and my boyfriend argue a lot. He knows that what his mother did was wrong, but he wants his mother and me to get along. I am finding it very difficult to forgive her.

Now, even though I have not forgiven my boyfriend for cheating, I have given him another chance to prove that he is sorry. I cry all the time because I feel that I am a failure because I can't find it in my heart to forgive him.

I am sure that he is the person I want to be with as I have invested much into him and I love him very much. He hasn't cheated since I found out about the baby. He has accepted that I will not accept this child as my stepson.

I just want to know whether I am being too hard on him or if I could find peace and actually forgive him so we can be happy and move on. I am in desperate need of some help.


Dear J,

First of all, you have not carefully considered the position you have taken. You are in absolutely no position to condemn your boyfriend and to hate the child he fathered. I am not saying that what he did was right, but look at it with an open mind.

He got involved with a girl and got her pregnant. When you found out about it, he admitted it. What made you get involved with another man?

Were your actions to retaliate against your boyfriend to show him that you could cheat too? You terminated the pregnancy and you say that your boyfriend has forgiven you for becoming sexually involved with another man.

Why is it that you find it so difficult to forgive him for what he has done?

You feel that you can say anything you want about this child to the extent that you have declared to his mother that you do not believe that he is the father.

The truth is, you have gone too far. You are creating mischief. You want the man in your life but you do not want his son to be in his father's life. You will never accept him as your stepson. Come on, lady, wise up.

What you have said to his mother, your attitude towards her, and your cheating and the abortion, are enough grounds to cause a wise man to walk away from you.

I beg you to put away the arrogance, and if you truly love this man, stop running your tongue and behaving as if you are the only woman on Earth.

I suggest that you talk to him and both of you make an appointment and go and see a family counsellor. And please, be careful what you say about this man's mother. Men do not like women saying negative things about their mothers.


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