Please, help me save this relationship

June 29, 2020

Dear Pastor,

I hope all is well with you. I read your column a lot and I must say you are doing a good work. I need your relationship advice. I'm currently in a relationship and my girlfriend and I love each other. I'm 23 and she's 25. We are pre-engaged, meaning I gave her a promise ring.

So here is where the problem started. Before I met her I was talking to another girl. This girl and I were close and we spoke about going out and all those things, but she didn't want a relationship at the time. So I started to look elsewhere, and that was when I met my current girlfriend. I didn't disclose to her that I had a friend that I was talking to prior to meeting her. I wasn't flirting with her while in this relationship. But my girlfriend ended up seeing the messages between this girl and me, and she thought that I still had feelings for her while being in the relationship. She asked me and I told her no.

Later in the relationship, we broke up for a month before getting back together. During this break-up, this friend and I started talking again, but we didn't get very far. At that same time, my ex and I got back together. She asked me if I had been speaking to anyone while we were not together, but I didn't tell her that I started talking to that friend again. I hid that from her. She found out after going through my phone and confronted me. So I'm now in her book as a liar.


That same day she found out, because she texted the girl from my phone and cursed her off. We forgave each other and moved on. But the girl replied and I did not tell my girlfriend that she did. So my girlfriend asked me about it as if the girl replied. That was a week after, and I told her that she did. She is now upset that I didn't tell her she replied, and accused me of texting her behind her back. I didn't tell her because I wanted it to end right there. She's now calling me a hypocrite, and told me that I broke her trust.

Pastor, please advise me on how to repair the damage that I have caused. I love this girl and I want to right any wrongs that I did. She said if she leaves this time she is not coming back. I don't want it to get to that point. I want us to get married. Please, help me save this relationship. How can I regain her trust?


Dear M.A.,

You want me to help you save this relationship, but I don't think this relationship is to be saved. And I want you to know that you should not be running after this young woman, begging her pardon for a wrong you have not done. This matter is straightforward. Your present girlfriend and you had a relationship, but during that period you were talking to another woman. But that friendship was purely platonic. In fact, there was no intimacy at all because that young woman was not interested in you that way. So you moved on.


It is not every woman that a man shows interest in that the woman may reciprocate. You had a right to move on. Where you went wrong, however, was that you did not admit to your present girlfriend that you had a brief friendship with the other woman. You did not have to tell her, but when she asked you whether you were close to another other woman during the time when you all were not together, you should have told her the truth.

It is not a major issue, but this girl with whom you are currently involved is very nosy and does not respect your privacy. So she went into your phone; and the primary reason for doing so is because she does not trust you. However, she is not mature enough to understand that it is not everything a man will tell a woman. In fact, a woman should not ask about everything, either. And she has absolutely no right to invade your privacy by going into your cell phone. This should cause you to put a security code on your phone. She might be foolish enough to hit the roof and accuse you of hiding things and information from her, but you should stand your ground and tell her that you don't appreciate her searching your phone, because you have the right to privacy.


She used your phone and texted the young woman and pretended that the text was coming from you. That was a very serious matter and she should apologise for doing so. That is shameful behaviour. So if there is anybody who should not be trusted, it is your current girlfriend. She may hate me for telling you the truth, but I want you to know that I would not swear for any young man, and I have been a counsellor long enough to know that young women are just as tricky, nosy and inquisitive. And they cannot always be trusted, either.

I would suggest, therefore, that if you think you are so in love with this young lady, both of you should make an appointment to go and see a family counsellor. If you were considering that this girl is going to be your wife, I would say that neither of you should think about that. Both of you have a long way to go. You are not ready for marriage. Don't beg this girl to forgive you. She sees you as a boy, and that's why she believes that she can search your phone, call the other girl, etc.


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