‘I hate my life’
I'm going through something that's hurting me psychologically and physically. I lost my family two years ago. They are not dead. We are just separated. My children's father moved on very quickly. Soon after we broke up, he moved in with another woman.
We were together for 11 years. One day he got up and said he didn't love me anymore. Pastor, I slept with two men after him, and I fooled around with three other men, but nothing happened. The first two guys had no feelings for me, and I had no feelings for any of them. I was just hurting and trying to get over my children's father. Afterwards, I felt bad instead of feeling happy. I wished I had never done it, but it was already done.
I hate being alone. It's been two years since I've been sleeping alone. I feel so broken. In my head I think that every man out there wants to use and hurt me. I'm so afraid of men that I try hard to stay to myself. Sometimes I wonder why my children's father left. We had a good thing going.
I accused him of crazy things that I have no proof of, only hearsay. I sometimes blame myself. My children are between yards because we don't live together anymore.
I want to open up to you, but I'm too afraid that you might think I'm a mad woman with nothing to do. Sometimes I think if I kill myself, all my burdens would go away, but then I remember my children.
ALL I KNOW IS PAIN
I've been through so much. Since childhood to womanhood, all I know is pain. Everyone around me means me nothing but the worst. I have no friends. Even my family turned their backs on me. I'm all alone in this wicked world.
Sometimes I feel like the ugliest woman alive because people always put their mouths on me, with nothing good to say. Real men don't look my way, only men who want to use me. I work with people who smile in my face and kill me behind my back. When I go home to get away from the world, it's like I do not live anywhere. Sometimes I want to leave and go to a different country, far away from here, somewhere with a different language, one that I don't understand.
I hate my life. God already planned my life to go just like this, so I just have to keep living till He's ready to lift me up. I can't trust anyone. I feel everyone is out to hurt me. My mental state of mind has been destroyed. I love you, Pastor. Keep up the good work.
As I see it, you are very depressed. You have made your mistakes, but everybody has made mistakes.
You think very little about yourself. You have low self-esteem. Although you think that you have done terrible things such as having different men in your life after you broke up with your children's father, I want you to know that this is the typical reaction of women after they have had a break-up with a man they have lived with for a long time. Many women get involved quickly with other men, hoping that these men can take the place of a lover they have recently lost. Very often, it is not love. It is trying to fill the empty space in their hearts. So that is what you were doing, and you were not able to find peace. You look into yourself and you say that you have been cheap. Though it may seem so to you, I want to show you that you are not cheap.
You were depressed, and sometimes when people are depressed, they do things that may cause them to regret their conduct. You see yourself as ugly. That is a normal reaction from women who go through a serious break-up. You talk about folks not loving you, but there are people who love you. It is not that nobody loves you. You have to begin to believe that whether folks love you or not is not very important. What is very important is that you start loving yourself. You have not come to that point as yet. It is also very, very, very important for you to embrace the fact that although people may bad-talk you, Almighty God loves you and will not abandon you if you put your trust in Him. You have not done that as yet.
I know that there are men who will always see you as a person who has problems. In fact, they will try to prey on you. Now, you have not said anything about your spiritual life, but I say to you, if you really want to do well in this world, you have to give God a chance in your life. I don't know what God has in store for you, but I know if you learn to put Him first, all other things will fall in place.
I have always reminded people that if they were to put God first, He will handle the rest. Regardless of what you say, God does not see you as ugly. He made you a beautiful woman. Read your Bible every day, and pray, and go to church, and God will take care of you. Take your Bible and turn to the Gospel of John, chapter four. Meditate on the entire passage and see what God did for the woman who went to Jacob's well to draw water, where she met Jesus. Jesus made a big change in her life, and He can do the same for you.