Still thinking about my ex

December 24, 2020

Dear Pastor,

I am 27 and I am pregnant. My husband-to-be and I have been together for one year. We have known each other for about three years, and when we started to date, it was not a serious relationship. I had also had a few dates with his best friend when I was 19, but that relationship broke up. We had sex a few times together but he went away and the relationship died.

I always remembered him because he was always very kind to me. I came from the inner-city and occasionally I used to ask him for financial help, which he always sent to me.

When he came back to Jamaica, he came back with a white girl and when he introduced her to me, she said she knew all about me because he told her all about me. When we had time to talk privately, I asked him what he told her about me and he said it was nothing to worry about. He said that he told her that he knew me well and we were good friends.

When we were planning the wedding, my husband-to-be told me that he was planning to invite this guy. I told him to go right ahead because I did not want to question it to make my fiance suspicious. On the day of the wedding, everything went well, but I shed a little tear because the good time this guy and I had together flashed back in my memory. I cried because I was hoping that my husband would treat me as well as my ex-boyfriend treats his wife. My husband is more educated than my ex-boyfriend who was his best man, but he does not make as much money. But I love him.

They have invited my husband and I to visit them in New Jersey for our anniversary next year but I don't know if I want to stay with them in their own home knowing that we had a sexual relationship together, although it was a long time ago.


Dear M.R.,

I suggest that you turn down the invitation to spend time at this man's home with his wife. The love affair was only for a few years but as you said, it died. However, the man treated you very well and from the tone of your letter, he did not give his wife the impression that both of you went to bed, and his wife did not think of that either.

Even if he had told her that both of you were bed partners, his wife considered that relationship 'dead as a door nail'. Evidently, your husband invited this man to the wedding because they were good friends and it would have been very silly for you to object to your husband's request to have him at the wedding. You would have had to say too much.

It seems to me that you have to learn to put the past behind you. What is done is done. Some things are to be buried and never remembered. However, if you think that you would not be comfortable staying at this man's house with his wife, then turn down his invitation. Perhaps you can tell them that you would like your husband and yourself to stay at a hotel or some other private place on your own. In that way you would not have to explain yourself at all. You would not have to cause them to believe that you are insulting them.


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