My marriage is ‘bun for bun’

June 07, 2021

Dear Pastor,

I have been with one man for over 20 years. I am 41. I started out with this man while I was in high school. I grew up in the church so when I met this man, I told my grandmother about him. She asked me if I loved him and I told her yes. Then I told the man that we could be friends. He was a businessman. He helped me to go to college and he promised that he would make me into a woman and he really did, because he took my virginity and I started working with him. He got me pregnant during my last year at university. He bought me a car and I moved in with him. I was happy.

Then one day he brought home a little boy and told me that the boy's mother said that he was the father. The boy lived in the ghetto with the mother and he didn't want his son to grow up there, so he took the boy. I was so shocked that I could not speak. I asked him if he was sure that the child was his. He said no but he admitted that he had sex with the child's mother a few times and did not use protection. He said that whether or not the child is his, he was going to take him. So right away, I had two little boys to take care of. The little boy could not say a sentence in English, but he was very loving and obedient. This man and I got married. He told me that the relationship that he had with the boy's mother was over, but he lied. Sometimes he would come home late because he continued to sleep with her. One day I asked him why he couldn't be satisfied with just me and he told me that he did not want his nature to die. I called the little boy's mother and I told her to leave my man alone and she cursed me and told me that if I knew what it took to keep a man, he wouldn't have to be coming to her so often. I kept talking to him but he won't listen to me so I decided to play the game also.

I got involved with the young man who does his books and from the time I had sex with him, I have not been able to stop. He is 30 and sometimes while my husband is with his sweetheart, I am with this young man. My husband is 55 and he does not know I'm sleeping with the guy. I no longer talk about his child's mother. This guy does not come to our house. He has rented a one-bedroom place and I go there whenever I need him. I know I am bad but this man satisfies me more than my husband. If my husband can cheat on me, I can cheat on him too. What should I do?


Dear F.T.,

When you met this man and both of you fell in love, you believed that you had met a perfect companion. When he brought home his little son and told you that the mother had given him up, you accepted his explanation and you took on the responsibility to take care of this boy along with your son. But this man never truly ended the relationship with her and he told you that he was not going to stop. At that time, you should have left him. You should not stay in the man's house and be intimate with another man, especially his accountant. You are playing with fire and what you are doing is not something to feel proud about. Right now, it is 'bun for bun'. That young man is laughing at your husband and I will not be surprised that occasionally you take some of the money that your husband gives to you to pay this young man for his services. You need to break up your folly ground and remain with your husband. If you are not going to remain with him, you should declare that you are going to leave him because it is difficult for you to continue to look at him as your beloved husband and know that he is cheating on you.


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