Afraid to leave my abusive man

November 25, 2022

Dear Pastor,

I am 19 years old and I have been reading your column for a few months now. I am dating a man who is in his 30s. I have been living with this man from I left my parents' home. He's a very good guy, but sometimes he gets really upset with me. He helps me financially because I am not working.

He gave me money to study practical nursing. However, whenever I confront him about other women with whom he is having sex , he gets upset with me and says I should leave his house. He also said that I am not good enough for him and calls me derogatory names. I don't know if he means what he says or he is just trying to hurt me.

I always ask him about other women because I know he's talking to many females. He tells me I can leave if I want to do so. This man tells me that I am the one forcing myself on him because he says that he always tells me to leave.

He has one child who lives with us. I stay home with the child when he goes out. Sometimes I argue with him and ask him if he is trying to use me because he wants me to stay home while he goes out. I am so confused by the hurtful things he tells me. He also says that I am too young for him and I could be his daughter, but then he would apologise to me and say that I am his wife and that I am the only one he loves. However, I do not think he loves me. I am confused and I am wondering whether he loves me.

Whenever I think about leaving him, I wonder what is going to happen to me. I want to go to college to finish my studies. Sometimes when this man is running me out of his house, the neighbours hear him and I feel very embarrassed. When I go outside his house, I want to leave, but I am not in a financial position to do so. My situation is not stable.

Initials Withheld by Request

Dear .........,

I feel so very sad when I get these types of letters from young women. Evidently, you mean well. When you met this older man, you sincerely believed that he would help you and that he was the kind of man that you could respect. However, instead of trying to assist you, he has been insulting you every day and trying to humiliate you. You know now that he is not a good man and that he does not respect you.

You have not said anything about your background, except to say that you are not in a position to help yourself financially. I understand from that statement that your parents or your siblings are unable to assist you. One thing I know for sure is that you have ambition, and that is why you are trying to become a nurse. I don't know how many subjects you have and which nursing school you are attending, but I do know that you are with the wrong man. Perhaps you should seriously consider getting a job and save and send yourself to school. The big challenge would be where you would live.

Please don't misunderstand what I am about to say. I know a young lady who wanted to go to college but she did not have anyone to help her. She was determined to get a profession. She became a live-in helper and she went to school in the evening and the good Lord helped her. She passed all her courses and graduated. Today, she is a trained teacher. You are afraid to leave this man, but I want to encourage you to step out. There are good people in this country who would like to have decent and reliable young women to live with them at their homes. So, consider what I have said and remember, if you were to become a live-in helper, you would have a place to live and you would not have to worry about food.

Do not allow this man to continue to abuse and embarrass you. You are God's child. Pray about your situation. I will do my best to help you after you have given me more information about yourself.


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