Haunted by my wild past
I am 20 and I became sexually active when I was 14 and got pregnant at 15. I was born in the ghetto. I saw my mother with different men all the time. I've learned to survive by giving men what they wanted and getting money from them. My mother even encouraged me to do so.
While I was having sex with these men, I was still in school, but I was able to afford school because of the life I was living. At age 18, I met one of my ex-lovers and we got back together. We're living together. He even accepted my child as his own. Everything was going well until he started listening to news from people in our community. Everyone hates him so they would try to bring news about him to me, but I don't listen. Every night he accuses me of doing something wrong.
IN DUE TIME
I found out that he was hanging out with a bunch of idiots who didn't like him and who are always manipulating him with stories about my past. But when they see me alone they try to do the same thing about him to me. He asked me about my past and I told him that I would tell him in due time because I wasn't ready to face it. But he decided to listen to others instead of waiting on me which resulted in daily arguments. So I decided to tell him. Now he wants a list of names so he can go and kill the men. When I told him the past is now behind me and we should move on, he accused me of still loving them.
It's been two years and this seems to have no ending. Now I don't have any pleasure being around him because my body feels numb. Every time I leave, he begs me to come back and won't leave me alone. He keeps saying that he loves me and wants a future with me, but I don't see any of that happening. He has broken me and now I have no emotion. I can't even find it in myself to love anyone. I distanced myself from this world and because of all these issues, I hate my mother for not teaching me the right way. All I have to do is to try and not have my child go down the same path. I just hope I will forgive myself and heal one day. Please give me your advice.
I hope no one will try to scold me for publishing this letter. Sometimes some readers behave as if they are not aware that some girls become sexually active before reaching the age of consent, which is 16 years old.
Some men behave like beasts and some mothers encourage their daughters to go with men so that they can benefit from the money these men give. I thank God that you have survived. Naturally, what happened to you as a child will always remain with you. But God is able to help you to deal with this matter. You did not mention whether you have ever had therapy. Now that you are 20 and you understand what you went through and what you are going through now, that therapy can help you to cope with your feelings.
Recently, I dealt with a letter where a man wanted a list of all the men who had sex with his girlfriend. In my response I told her not to give him that list. I will say to you now, do not subject yourself to writing this list for your boyfriend. Please do not take his threats lightly. He may say that he wants to kill some of the men who abused you. Whether he means it or not, you should always remember that all threats should be taken seriously.
You know you should not be with this man. You do not have any more feelings for him. You should leave him. He is always begging you to return whenever you try to leave, but you have to go permanently. You are 20; you need to acquire a skill so that you can work and support yourself and your child. May I suggest that you contact HEART NSTA/Trust and ask them to give you some guidance on what you would like to do?
I know that you are annoyed with your mother now that you have looked back on how she raised you. I beg you to forgive her and also to forgive yourself. Try and get yourself a job and ask your mother to assist you in keeping your child while you are at work. If I can be of further help to you, please do not hesitate in contacting me.