My wife keeps calling out her ex-lover’s name

February 09, 2023

Dear Pastor,

I am 25 years old and I recently got married to a woman who is younger than I am. She had a boyfriend for three years, but they broke up because he was sleeping with one of her friends. She had proof that he was doing so. She confronted her friend and she confirmed that they were sleeping together. The friend told her that she was not to be blamed for her boyfriend coming on to her because something was lacking in their sex life.

I got into the picture because she came to me and was complaining about her boyfriend. We got closer and closer, and finally we went to bed. After we did, she broke up with the guy. We courted for one year and then we came out openly and told everybody we were lovers. Her parents suggested that we should get married, so we got married privately. After we got married, I observed that my wife was very relaxed in bed and she was not afraid to suggest what position she liked. One night we were in bed, but I was not sleeping, and my wife cursed expletives and called her former lover by name and told him what she wanted to do with him. I listened for a while and then I woke her up. I told her what she was saying in her dream and she said I was not talking the truth. I told a friend and he told me it would happen again and he was right. It did happen and that is why I am writing to you.

If this woman is happy with me, why does she have to be dreaming about him and calling his name in her sleep? I don't understand that. My wife enjoys lovemaking and both of us have taught each other different techniques. I do not use obscene language at all, but my wife likes to use the 'F' word when we are making love.

Please respond to this letter. I will be looking out for your response.


Dear H.,

Although you are concerned about what you heard from your wife, I am sure that you are happy that it was just a dream. I suggest that you study the writing of Sigmund Freud on dreams and you will get a good understanding of what is happening to your dear wife.

Some people may say that this man is still on her mind and that she is still in love with him. But that is not necessarily so. He may 'cross her mind' from time to time, but that does not necessarily mean that she is still in love with him. Occasionally she might have compared you with him. It is not unusual for a woman to do so, neither is it unusual for a man to compare his former lover with his present woman.

Perhaps your wife was an aggressive lover. Maybe her former lover taught her every possible position and both of them used expletives while making love, and she has brought that sort of behaviour into her present relationship. Some women love to feel 'it'. Some even wish to feel pain, and if they don't feel it, they even ask their lover "What you doing?"

I hope that you do not believe that your wife is cheating. However, if you have questions about that, both of you should make an appointment and see a counsellor.

If you have visitors, make sure you lock your door and turn on the TV or radio whenever your wife and yourself are having private time.


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