Can’t focus on my studies because of sex

May 19, 2023

Dear Pastor,

I am 17 years old and I am still in high school. I want to become a teacher, but I am tired of studying. I find it hard to concentrate. I have a boyfriend who is 20 and he is always on my mind. He said that I should try to get him out of my mind, because he does not want me to fail my exams. He said he would stop calling me, and he did. But I kept calling him and I realised that he blocked my number. I told him that I wanted to have sex with him more often. I met him at a place he suggested, and all he did was curse me.

My mother knows that I have a boyfriend. I introduced him to her, so he came by to see me and help me. But when I saw him, I couldn't concentrate; I just wanted sex. We did, and then he said we should settle down and work. But I told him I needed more sex, so he left and told me that he was not coming back to see me.

I do not know what is wrong with me, because all I want is this man. He told me that if I don't study, I will fail my exams and he will get another girl who has ambition. I have ambition, but sex is always on my mind. I thought that it was only men who were always thinking about sex, but a couple of girls told me that they think of it, too, all the time.

One of my friends told me that when she felt like having sex, she called a ex and told him she was in trouble. He was very concerned, so he came, and about five minutes after he got there, they were on the floor having sex. He did not even have any protection, but she did not get pregnant. I don't know why I like sex so much. I suppose that I got this strong desire for sex from my grandmother, who had 11 children.

Please tell me what I can do to control myself. I know I need help.


Dear R.M.,

I have had to counsel folks who suffer compulsive sexual desires. These women are much older than you. I can remember receiving a call from a woman who wanted to see me right away. She said she was ashamed of herself because she could not control the desire for sex on a particular day, so she got into her car and went to see her boyfriend who was busy at home working. She got to his home and told him she wanted him now, so he should drop whatever he was doing. He was alarmed at her behaviour, but he felt obligated, so he got his shower and he went at it. But she also said that when she told him that she needed him, he kept asking her what was happening to her, and she said she just wanted it now.

He spent a long time with her taking care of her desire. When she felt satisfied, she took a shower, put on her clothes, told him thanks and left. I asked her why she came to see me, and she said she felt ashamed of what she did. She loves this man, but they do not have a relationship any more. She wanted sex and he was available, so she found him. I should add that this woman didn't want anything from this man except sex.

Now I am going to say that as a young girl, you have to be careful. You are 17 and you will have to learn to control your sexual desires, because if you don't, men are going to use you. Some of them will tell their friends what they did to you, and that you were the one who initiated it. Some girls are not afraid to loosen the trousers of guys, and to make plans with them about how they may have safe sex when their parents are not around. Yes, high-school girls are famous for doing so.

I want you to contact a family counsellor; and I would prefer if you seek the help of a female. Tell her how you feel about life and about sex in general, and ask her to help you. Call your boyfriend and tell him that you are sorry for harassing him and that you are hoping to control yourself, so he should not forsake you.

Keep your goal before you. You want to become a teacher; don't give up on that goal.


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