Church sister stole my husband

Dear Pastor,

I am in my late 30s and I have a son and daughter. My husband is abusive. He wasn't like that when we just met.

We used to attend church together, but he backslid and got involved with a church sister. She is a much older woman, but she likes younger men. I used to warn him about her. Sometimes while we were in bed, she called him and told him that something was wrong and she wanted him to come and repair it for her.

One night I asked her whether the problem couldn't wait until the morning, and she said the pipe had burst. I got really angry and asked her if she was sure that it was not her personal plumbing that needed to be fixed. I demanded to accompany my husband. He said I should stay home. I told him that if I couldn't go with him, then he could not leave. So I grabbed the car keys and put them in my panties. The woman called back and I told her my husband was not coming, so she should call a plumber. She told me she didn't want my husband because he is too poor for her. She has stopped talking to me.

I noticed that my husband got closer to her, so I reported both of them to our pastor, and that made matters worse. My husband used to leave work and go straight to her house. She gave him dinner and he eventually stopped eating what I cooked. So I stopped leaving dinner for him. One night, my husband and I had a fight because he wanted to have sex and I told him that he should go and have sex with his dirty girl. I did not call the woman's name, but he said he knew I was talking about her. For three months I gave him no sex, and that woman was there helping him out. He stopped attending church. This woman was always badmouthing me. She even said that my husband told her that he saw me with another man.

My church does not believe in divorce, but I cannot continue to live this way. He told our pastor that he would come back, but he does not promise to leave the other woman, because I refuse to give him sex. He used to leave his dirty clothes here for me to wash, but I stopped washing them. He holds these things against me: no food, no sex. and no washing. How can I do these wifely duties while he has another woman? Please tell me the truth about how you believe I should handle this problem.

R.N.

Dear R.N.,

Your husband is not behaving as one who cares what happens to his relationship. There are many women who, although they are married, they have their eyes on other men.

This woman evidently loves your husband and she is not prepared to leave him. She is prepared to lie and to do everything possible to get him to leave you and turn to her.

When she called that night and pretended that she needed help, your husband was prepared to go to her house. You insisted that you would accompany him; you did the right thing. He is your husband and you had the right to accompany him wherever he went, especially at that time of the evening. But she knew that nothing was wrong with her plumbing.

Your letter reminded me of a situation that we were told of in seminary. A woman called her pastor during the daytime. She told him that she needed his help and wanted him to come over immediately. The pastor called one of his officers and asked him to accompany him. When they rang the doorbell, the woman opened the door and it was evident that she was not ill. She had on a see-through dress. The pastor told everyone to go and as they turned away, the woman's husband arrived. Evidently, they had a plan to try to destroy the pastor.

This woman does not like you, and she will say and do nasty things to try to destroy you. I suggest that your husband and you make an appointment to see a trained family counsellor and try to determine how the relationship will go forward. This man does not see you as a good Christian because you have stopped having sex with him, and you are not washing and preparing his meals any more. But he should also see that he is not treating you right. This is not a matter that can be dealt with in one counselling session. Your husband has to change his attitude towards you, and he will have to give up his girlfriend. It can be done if this marriage is to work.

Pastor