Secretive girlfriend buys land behind my back

Dear Pastor,

I need your advice. I am 32 years old and I have fathered three children with two different women. I am living with the mother of my last child. We have been living together for five years. The child is her only offspring. She treats him as if he were a girl. She likes to plait his hair and baby him. Whenever I talk to him, she says I am roughing him up, but I am not. I told her I want him to grow up as a man.

My girlfriend wants us to try and get another child, but I am not interested. Life is too hard, and this woman does not help financially. It is not that I need her money, but I believe that I should know at least what she does with some of her money. She doesn't tell me anything.

She is helping to send her brother to college. I don't have anything against that. However, I still have to give her money every week to go to the supermarket and pay all the bills. I assisted her in buying a car, and I had to give her the money to insure and license the vehicle. My mother told me that I should stop giving her money to take care of the car.

We are living in Kingston, but without discussing it with me, she went to St Catherine and paid down on a piece of land. She is going to build a house there. I am not planning to live in St Catherine.

Do you think she has plans to leave me? If she has any plans to leave, she cannot take my son with her. When I met her, I thought she was my future, but I am not sure about that now. I am not sure I can trust this woman. My brother told me to be prepared to face whatever this woman does, and that I should not trust her. I would love to settle down. I don't have enough money to buy a house yet, but I don't want to live in this woman's house if she builds one. I don't say she is a bad woman, but the confidence I should have in her, I don't have.

Why did she buy a piece of land without discussing it with me? That means she is planning to have a life without me. Tell me if I am wrong.

I don't have another woman in my life. I am trying my best to support all my children. Do you think I am wrong in not trusting this woman?

R.

Dear R.,

This woman with whom you are living is doing her own thing. Every intelligent woman who lives with a man should know that there are things that she should discuss with her man. Evidently, this woman is hiding certain things from you. A man doesn't have to always agree on everything his woman wants to do, but at least he should be aware of what plans she has.

I have always encouraged women to have a bank account. Her spouse does not have to be a signatory on the account, but she does not have to hide the fact that account exists. It is her money and she has the liberty to have that account.

Now, having said that, let me quickly add that I don't need to imply that a woman and a man should not have an account together. That account might be to pay the bills and the mortgage if they have one, and the rent, etc, but a woman should always be allowed to have an account on her own.

You say that you don't know what this woman does with her money. The fact is that you don't have to know everything, but this woman seems to be hiding things from you. I cannot tell you that you should trust her, because purchasing a piece of property is a major investment. You should have been told about the purchase of land she made in St Catherine. It means that she is hiding her plans from you. So your brother is quite correct; you should not trust her.

Concerning your son and the plaiting of his hair, etc, don't be too concerned about that. She treats your son as a baby because he is still a baby, so to speak. You ought not to shout at him or treat him as if he is grown-up. Perhaps both of you should make an appointment to see a family counsellor. It might help the relationship.

Pastor