Life Line

Older parents and kids

DEAR READERS,

J.G. is a married woman with two grown children. Her youngest child is about to leave home to go overseas.

At the same time her elderly parents who used to be extremely independent are now relying on her assistance more as they cope with various health issues, such as cancer, diabetes, arthritis, hypertension and stroke.

J.G. says that her life seems to have changed very suddenly. She feels a bit abandoned by her children to whom she has been a devoted mother while she worries about how best to assist her parents, who, while needing her help as they approach 80, still have strong views on many issues including medication (which they don't like taking), their independence (her father won't stop driving although she thinks the time has come for him to stop) and many other matters.

Sometimes she feels depressed as she misses her children, worries over them and worries over how to help two stubborn parents whom she loves.

The transition period involved in the middle years of life and the post-retirement time is often not easily traversed. There are many emotional issues to face and often these are complicated by health issues.

Illnesses occurring in the period following retirement are often more chronic and disabling than at earlier ages. About one in three post-retirement adults is partially limited in their physical activity because of a chronic disease and 80 per cent of elderly people have at least one chronic disease.

Parents often experience a real sense of loss when children leave home. It is a very real emotion which people often try to deny as they know it is natural for children to grow up and leave. Nevertheless, a real loss has occurred from their lives and they should allow themselves to feel sad, and to grieve.

Without allowing for a grieving process, it is hard to move on and hard to heal. This is why as the middle years approach many people become depressed and some even turn to alcohol or hard drugs.

Losing her identity

The woman who has facilitated her children's development for one or two decades has a very hard time when they leave. Often her identity, in part, has become almost defined by their development, and many of her feelings of self- worth are based in her functions as a mother.

When her children leave she often loses a part of her identity and it is at a loss as to what to do to make her life whole. This is a time of stress as parents redefine their roles. Happily, most families successfully pass through this period in life with acceptably altered roles.

Ageing is a normal occurrence but it brings with it bodily changes which most of us would like to keep away. These include:

a decline in sensory acuity (function)

visible changes in appearance such as wrinkling of the skin and thinning of the hands.

Increased likelihood of developing certain disorders including:

(a) arthritis

(b) memory problems

(c) visual problems

(d) hearing problems

(e) Parkinson's disease

(f) Alzheimer's disease

(g) heart disease

(h) diabetes

(i) cancer

(j) osteoporosis

In addition, the average woman tends to outlive her male partner by some seven years. There are several reasons suggested for this. Women develop close relationships with many different people so have better support mechanisms in place to supply companionship and support in old age. Men are more likely to be isolated. Women also pay greater attention to health issues and consult their physicians much more quickly when concerned about their bodies. Also men smoke more and drink more alcohol. The way in which this gender gap regarding longevity can be closed would therefore involve 'life style' changes.

The elderly, in particular, should eat healthily, obtain regular exercise, reduce stress, avoid cigarette smoking and alcohol use and check their blood sugar, blood cholesterol and blood pressure levels at regular intervals.

'Workaholics', when retired, often feel that their purpose in life has ended. New interests must be developed to replace work.

Happy older couples live longer and many couples remain sexually-active and satisfied well into old age.