Tell Me Pastor

Help my broken marriage

Dear Pastor,

I got married six months ago, and my husband and I only knew each other three months before we got married. I love my husband very much and fell in love with him because of his spirit and all-round love for people. We used to be such good friends and would talk to one another about everything. We used to pray together, have studies together, advise one another on everyday issues and problems and just build each other spiritually.

We presently reside in separate countries. He is in Jamaica and I live in the USA, due to the long filing process which takes about a year, and his being denied a visa from the US Embassy in Jamaica..

I have spent thousands of dollars on plane fares back and forth to Jamaica to be with him, making phone calls everyday to stay in touch with him and also taking responsibility for all expenses when I come to Jamaica.

Since we got married things have really changed for us. He doesn't call me much anymore. He engages in provocative work activities with women on a daily basis, and he doesn't focus on his positive work life, his spiritual upliftment or our relationship anymore. He even rekindled a relationship with an ex-girlfriend and I had to cry out to him to stop this at once because it wasn't good for our marriage.

I have told him how I feel about his change of focus for himself, and lack of support for our marriage. But when I say this to him he says, "I know what you are going through" and, "I'm doing these jobs for the money", and then he changes the subject. I'm starting to feel abandoned, ignored, disconnected from my husband and worn out from the stress of keeping the spark alive in this relationship.We are no longer moving in the same direction and he just isn't there anymore.

I keep telling myself that once we can join each other permanently he will change but I don't know and question his sincerity. I love my husband and DO NOT want to let him go, but it seems that he picks and chooses when to be this way. I have prayed for him and for our marriage to stay together. Please help me to gain clarity in this situation and realise what to do without being hurt anymore or without hurting my husband by leaving him.

A.R., Washington, D.C.

Dear A. R.,

Long distance relationships can be frustrating, and you are faced with so much frustration at this time. You give the impression too that you are a jealous woman. But I would like to say to you, it is unhealthy to accuse your husband of doing things that are wrong without having proof. Remember, both of you have only been married six months ago. It would take time for you to adjust to each other and the distance will make it even harder.

Madam, don't give your husband the impression that you want to control him. Perhaps that's not what you really have in mind but that's how your letter flows. Keep in touch with your husband. Encourage him, but don't attack him. In the will of the Lord, both of you will be together. It is just a matter of time. Exercise patience.

Pastor