Entertainment

The long and longer of it

( left - right ) Beenie Man, Lady Saw and Shabba Ranks - file photos

SEX IS A deliciously inescapable part of dancehall, with the two genders - men more so than women ­ not averse to proclaiming their proficiency in the bedroom. And while a bad workman may blame his tools, a good one compliments said tool, so when it comes to their equipment, quite a few prominent dancehall deejays have not been shy at all about advertising heavy duty stuff. All in the name of lyrical prowess, of course.

Who else but Mr. Rexton Ralston Fernando Gordon, who you may just know as Shabba Ranks, to comment on the matter? He does so with emphasis, waxing lyrical about a "c...y with the ring/one whe a swing/long underneath till it have on a ring."

He also advises the women, in another song, "if him have one inch a private run him/him likkle matches stick yu fi run him/ ... Black man dem have de stiffness/see I Shabba yah wid a 12 inch ... k."

Heavy stuff for the ladies indeed.

Little Lenny fell a little short of Shabba's claimed stature, but he was still proud of his lumber when he chanted "yu shoulda hear de young gal a bawl/when it reach up to nine inch tall."

Graphic enough

There have been those who did not specify in feet and inches, but were certainly graphic enough to drive home their point. Beenie Man did so when he said "tree leg me have but one stop short a knees". Buju Banton spoke to the effect of his endowment, informing "a no de stone, whe mek she moan an' groan/a jus' de length a de Banton tone."

Elephant Man, he of the many coloured hair who has not been afraid of advertising his anaconda, went not for length but width, as he told the world that "fus of all, we carry no likkle teeny tiny ting", going on to state that it "fatter dan de bokkle of a Heineken."

It is not coincidence that at least three deejays believe that the women want the heavy earth and heaven moving equipment. Shabba said "she want it hard an' stiff to mek she womb shif", Beenie Man said "no woman no want no likkle itsy bitsy teeny willie man" and Bounty Killer intoned "gal dem a cry fi de long donkey cod/an if dem don' get it dem wi ac' mad".

For Lady Saw made it abundantly clear that men who come up short need not apply, when she advised in her inimitable fashion from the recesses of her lyrical bedroom "if it no long till it ben', Merciless no come een yah!"