Tell Me Pastor

A FEW GOOD MEN

DEAR PASTOR,

I am responding to a letter that I read in the paper sometime ago. This gentleman was asking where all the good women were. Well, I am asking the reverse, "Where are all the good men?" Where are the real men that were brought up with values and attitudes, the ones who know how to treat their wives and be good fathers in the home?

Three years ago, I met a man from the Waltham Park area and we started seeing each other. One year into the relationship, we decided that we would get married and live together. He has one daughter and they were both living together. We got married and they both came to live with me and my children. Pastor, all hell broke loose. He does not abuse me, but I find him to be very mean and stingy.

'Big life'

He goes to the shop every minute to buy whatever is needed for dinner. He complains about the amount of grocery that I buy every two weeks. He says he cannot afford my big life. His daughter told me that, when she first arrived at my home, she thought I was rich. She said her father only cooked meats on Sundays and during the week, they would eat only tin mackerel, a little ackee and callaloo.

Pastor, on Fridays many persons do not cook and I would buy KFC or little snacks, and he would complain that this lifestyle of mine is too big. This is the normal lifestyle for so many people. I know your question now is: "Did you not see these signs when you were talking to him before?" I will not lie to you, I did see some signs but I justified it by saying it was because he was single and he wanted a woman in the home for himself and his daughter. So many times, we think we can change things and people. His daughter told me that this was the reason why his first marriage broke up. He gave me the impression that his wife was at fault, but you see, "the same knife that sticks goat, sticks sheep as well."

'Mama's boy'

My husband packed up his things and went to his mother's house and neither she nor he called me. She never called to find out what went wrong when she saw him return home. His daughter mentioned that when he was having problems in his first marriage, he did exactly the same thing. The root of the problem is the 'mama's boy' problem. No responsibility was instilled in him from childhood.

I have been responsible for his daughter since she came to the house. I bought everything she needed. The man is mean to his daughter and also to himself. If he was taking me anywhere, as soon as I sat in the van, he asked me whether I had money to help with the gas. If I needed a sheet of zinc for the roof, I had to buy everything, including the nails.

Pastor when the man moved out, he left his daughter with me. Her mother filed for her however, and now she is living in the United States of America. She has not been in touch with him, because of all the bad things her mother told her he had put her through. Can somebody be like that? It seems there are people in this world that cannot change. I used to believe that anybody could change if they wanted to. This is his second marriage gone bad, and he still cannot come to terms with himself and see that something is wrong.

Morals gone

I am 45 years old, and I have done things in my life that I am not proud of, but I have realised that they were not right and I have moved past those stages with God's help. But there are women in this country that are willing to have men in their home just for the sex , even when the men do not put their feet down. Gone are the old-time morals. I am saying this because my husband has moved on to live with another woman in St. Mary, who is building a house down there. I asked him about her and he told me that he was just house-keeping.

I again ask, where are all the good men? I think that at my age, I should just pack it in because I cannot manage the stress and the depression. I look forward to your reply.

C.M., Kingston

Dear C.M.,

Your husband has no interest in this marriage. Perhaps it is time for you to seek the assistance of a lawyer. You are wasting your time with him.

By the way there is nothing wrong with eating mackerel and ackee everyday if that is what one can afford.

Pastor