Dear Pastor,
I enjoy reading your columns. Please keep up the good work. I am currently in the United States of America and my life is not so good. I know that coming to a new country is challenging and I am trying to handle the changes to this new culture. However, my husband and I are in constant argument over trivial matters. It has placed a great deal of strain on the relationship and I have reached a point where I think its better that I leave his home.
He has a controlling mentality where if I do not do as he says, he will refuse to give me money for school. I have to find a part-time job at a department store and when I am not on calls to work, I have to ask my mother for money to go to school. We had an argument and he said that he was not going to send for our daughter who is in Jamaica to come and live with us. I had to threaten him so as to get him to send for our daughter.
One of the main problems in our relationship is, that I have a higher education than he has. He says that I talk down to him, but he cannot tell me the time or date that I have done so. I am currently finishing college and if I ask him to pay for one of my courses, he will not do it. I have to rely on my mother.
I have a friend in Jamaica who has helped me a great deal. He is always there for me. He listens to me and gives me advice. He always gives me the 'push' I need when at times I feel overwhelmed by school work, work and caring for my daughter. My husband saw a picture of him in my bag and said that the guy and I are more than friends.
Pastor, this guy is engaged to another girl. He wants me to stop talking to him, but the guy and I have been friends from 1999. When I was leaving Jamaica, he came to my house to say goodbye. I was at a supermarket at the time and when I reached home, my husband asked me when was he leaving the house. I got so angry and reminded him that he was at my parents' home so he should not try to dictate who comes and goes there.
Last night he was taking my daughter and I home and he began to accuse me once again about this guy. I am just tired of the situation and have made plans to leave just as soon as I get a decent job.
Please pray for me that I get a job really soon.
N.S., New York, U.S.A.
Dear N.S.,
Your husband may be jealous, but I am afraid you have given him reasons to question some of the things that you have done. I do believe that he may be controlling but he is a very sensitive man. And I don't doubt one moment that you may unconsciously from time to time talk down to your husband. He may not have formal education but that does not make him a fool. You should not believe that because you have formal education, you should ignore whatever your husband says.
I do believe and I have often said that when couples are showing interest in each other they should consider each others educational standard. You decided to marry him, therefore, instead of complaining, you should try to help him.
I am not here accusing you of having an intimate relationship with this male friend that you have known from 1999. But perhaps you are little bit too close to him. And it has caused your husband to be concerned. I think you insulted your husband when you told him that anybody is free to visit your parents' home. The guy was not there to visit your parents, he was there to visit you and your husband felt that he had overstayed his welcome. I am afraid you did not handle this one correctly.
Perhaps I am wrong, but I get the impression that you do not care much about the relationship with your husband. If you are always reminding your husband that you are more educated, he would not be inclined to help you to go to school. Too bad both of you are not getting along.
The way to convince your husband that you are not interested in having an intimate relationship with this young man is to cut off all communication with him. When your husband talks about him don't behave as if he can't tell you what to do and don't defend the man.
Pastor
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