Dear Pastor,
I have a problem and I hope you can give me some advice. I have been married for eight years and I knew my husband for two years before we got married. I have three kids with him, but lately he has been acting strangely towards me. He doesn't normally talk much, I knew this from the start, so I listen keenly to him when he does talk. The problem is I found out that I was his second choice for marriage. He was with another woman much older than him for about five years before we got together.
I was told by his family members that he wanted to marry her, but she didn't want to marry him. She used to treat him badly. I knew this by the way he talked about it with me in bits and pieces. At that time, I was going through the same thing with my boyfriend. In fact, that's how my husband and I met. I really fell in love with him, but I was afraid to get involved again so quickly. My problem is I was trying to tell myself that he could not be so foolish to be messing around this woman again after what she put him through, but it is happening. He never left her. He is still messing around with her.
The worst part of it is that we built a house not far from were she lives, so he is over at her house almost all the time. Whether I am home or not, he goes there. He said he is not going to stop going over there or talking to her. I told him that I am not bothered by him saying hello to her, but please, don't go out of his way to see or talk to her because it makes me feel as though he doesn't respect me. Whenever I ask him to please stop going over there, he gets upset and shouts at me. As a result of that, he will not talk to me for about three to four days. To me, he is telling me that I must live with it or leave.
NEVER LOVED ME
I have my three kids and he is my husband, but I am sick of being second fiddle to this woman. I asked him if he wanted her why did he come around me from the beginning, but I guess I can answer my own question. He never loved me. I think he wanted to get back at her for not marrying him. Now she is saying it was a mistake to have given him up because he is a very hard-working man and he takes care of his responsibilities. She used to get her way with him. I am so heartbroken over this because I really do love this man. I feel as though he doesn't love me. He tells me he loves me, but pastor, how can he tell me he loves me when he doesn't respect me or my feelings?
True love is based on love and respect for each other. I know I am really getting tired of it, but I am thinking of my kids. I grew up having both my parents in my life, so I want my kids to have the same. I don't know how long I can put up with this arrangement that he thinks he has going on with his ex. I know we have been married for eight years and we had some good times together. I know we can work it out, but respect is not bought, it's gained. He just doesn't have any time for me. If he did, he would not be doing this to me. The more I talk to him about it, the more he says nothing. That hurts me very badly because I have never done anything to him, but treat him with love and respect.
R.G., St. Elizabeth, Jamaica
Dear R. G.,
I don't know if this man will be willing to go with you for counselling. But that is what both of you need to save this marriage. Perhaps, he just considers this woman his friend, but if he is making such frequent visits, it would indeed cause you to be concerned. I don't believe he is fooling you when he tells you that he loves you. Don't question that. There are issues to be dealt with and a family counsellor should be able to help you. I hope your husband would cooperate.
Pastor
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