Dear Pastor,

I have been reading your column and I see where you give good advice. I have been married for the past 20 years. However, over the past three years, I have seen a rapid change in my husband. We have talked about the change, but he still doesn't see how he has changed. We are Christians and my husband is a deacon in the church. He treats me badly in terms of not speaking to me for months and ignoring me in every shape and form.

He visits a church sister's home so often that people have been sending messages to me about them. He doesn't discuss anything with me and he always takes her advice. He runs to her about everything. She buys him clothes, gifts and underwear. I talk to him about it and he just smiles and ignore what I say.

I have spoken to some of his friends about him. Some are surprised while others say they see he has got a bit "cocky". Each time he goes out, he stops by her house and returns with something. Sometimes he calls her begging food, leaves in a jiffy and returns with a plate or container of food.

It's affecting our children, but he doesn't seem to care. Whenever I leave the island, she cooks for him and even continues when I return. He hides and leaves to go and eat. The food at home isn't good anymore. I am tired of it and it is driving me nuts. She has no shame. Whenever we go to church, you can see her looking for him and I just sit and watch her. I try to have a clean heart by not having her up in my heart, but whenever I see her, I feel different. Someone has told me to go to another church, but if I do, she will think she has won.

Divorce

My husband does not try to ignore her. If she tells him a lie, he believes her. She feeds him so she has a hold on him. He loves his belly. I have made up my mind. I am going to file for a divorce and let him go to her because she loves him. I will see what happens. I have so much to say, but for now, please advice me on what to do.

A.B., St. Catherine, Jamaica

Dear A.B.,

Hold back on the filing of the divorce. Speak frankly to your husband about his behaviour. Tell him not to bring back anymore food to the house from this woman. Remind him that you are his wife and that you can stand up to her any day. Tell him that you will break up the plates if he continues to bring food to the house from her.

Arrange for both of you to see a family counsellor. If he refuses to go, tell the pastor of the church that your husband is rejecting you for another woman in the church, and that a meeting should be arranged with everybody. This should only be done if he refuses to go see a family counsellor.

Please don't get in to any argument with this woman, at church or on the telephone. Deal with your husband.

Pastor