Dear Pastor,

I am a 24-year-old Jamaican who migrated to the United States three years ago. The problem is that from the first week I was here, I realised that my father's wife hates me. He filed for me. She started to tell people lies even before I got here. I know this because when I am around those same people keep saying the things she told them. I was naive about the entire situation as I did not know these people.

LIED ABOUT MY MOM

She also lied about my mom who is still living in Jamaica. As time went by, things started to get worse. I think that my dad knew what was going on and ignored it. Finally, she started to write letters and put them in my room saying that I should leave. I showed them to my father and he did nothing about it. I cried for nights and days because he was the only family member that I had here.

I moved out a month later and rented a furnished room from a couple they both knew. The lady was also a Jamaican and a friend of my dad's wife. One day, when we were coming from church, she started to tell me all the lies and nastiness that my dad's wife told her. I cried even more just to know what she said. I did not have a car at the time and relied only on the bus. I bought a car the following year.

NO HELP

My father has not helped me with anything since I got here: no school fees, books, not even to shop for a car. After all the things that I found out she did and told him, he said nothing or did nothing.

I have forgiven both him and her and I have tried to move on.

I met a guy and we dated for two years and then we got married. I got pregnant and had a baby. While I was in the hospital I asked my dad to make me some soup because I had a c-section, but he did not. He did not even come to the hospital to visit me. I was so mad and angry at him. My mother-in-law came and helped out a little. All of my relatives are in Jamaica. Both my mother-in-law and my dad are Jamaicans.

Pastor, my dad does not stand up for me in anyway whenever she bashes me or treats me badly. He does not talk about it and because she knows that, she works on it. They have two boys together. I have not been over there since the beginning of the year. I only went there once to give my father a card for his birthday. I did not stay long since my brothers were not there. I came home and heard my phone ring but I did not answer it. My dad called two days later and told me not to call his house. I asked him why and he is saying that it's a lot of problems. When I asked him what the problem was, he said she is upset because I came over and gave him the card. He is, therefore, asking me not to come over there or call. I felt so bad.

BUILD A RELATIONSHIP

I was not raised with my father and I tried my best, so hard (rather than hating him for him not supporting me in Jamaica), to build a relationship with him. He did not even come and take pictures with me at my wedding because of her. I know that the Bible tells us to obey our parents. I have tried and I feel as if I am forcing myself into their family. He just allows her to walk all over him and whenever she whines, she gets what she wants.

I have pretty much made up my mind to cut off my dad. The sad part is that he lives three blocks away from me and I don't want him to come to my house or call me. He tries to whisper whenever she is not there and talk to me. I feel as if he is cheating on her with another woman and hiding it.

Tell me, pastor, am I doing the right thing by cutting him out of my life? I have a son and I don't want him to be confused or grow up seeing me crying over this. I want all the dads out there who are married to women who are not their children's biological mothers not to put any woman in front of their children. Always stand up and be men.

D.H., California, U.S.A.

Dear D.H.,

I understand what you have said. To be very truthful to you your father is trapped. He loves you, but at the same time he wants to live in peace with his wife, who is also the mother of two of his children. It is a well- known fact that some women do not like children who are not their own. Some wives will do their very best to embarrass children who are commonly called "outside children".

I don't want you to be hard on your father. Thank God that he gave you an opportunity to be living in America. I believe that he would have loved to spend more time with you but he has had to weigh the matter carefully and to endeavour to live in peace with 'Jezebel'. I want you to forgive him and to love him, because he is trapped. When he told you not to call or come to the house, he wasn't writing you off. He just meant that for the sake of peace, don't visit. He would be in touch with you.

My dear, if your father has a cellphone, call him on that number. Invite him from time to time for lunch at a restaurant. Continue to build a relationship with your daddy. Don't say negative things about him in the presence of your husband and I hope that your husband will learn to treat you well.

Pastor