Dear Pastor,

I have a problem and I need your help with it. I have a boyfriend who I love with all my heart. We have been together for almost a year and everything was fine for a while. I'm the type of girl who loves to be in charge in almost everything, whether it be sex or the relationship itself. With this relationship I decided to tone it down and not to be completely submissive, but to act helpless and let him be my shield.

However, the relationship got from bad to worse. He doesn't take anything I say or does seriously. It is like he is laughing in my face telling me I can't leave him. Once he came over my school and he was waiting for me to get out of class. When I got out I saw him sitting with another girl. Being nice, I went over expecting him to introduce me to her, he didn't. So, I told him that I was ready to go home. He didn't even move. He asked me how come I want to go home so soon and he sat there still talking to the girl.

Upset

I got upset and I left to hang out with a friend at school. I was there for 20 minutes and he still didn't call to say he was ready. I finally decided to go home without him. However, when I was about to get into the taxi he jumped in beside me and being the fool I am I took him back without any argument about what happened.

He does things like that all the time and he doesn't think about what he says and how I'm going to react before he says it. And it is almost always something hurtful. So, I decided to leave, but that is easier said than done. I told him and he kept calling and talking to me like I was joking. So, I made it clear when I told him that I slept with another guy. I guess he didn't care because he kept calling but not as often as before.

Called for closure

Finally, when I was getting over him I called to get closure. That proved to be the worse decision I have ever made. I told him I wanted to be his friend and he told me that he wants friendship with benefits. I told him I could offer just friendship. We were corresponding by text and the text I got next shocked me completely. He said I was good at what I did in bed and he wants to continue to have sex with me. He sent texts like that for the rest of the night and I begged him to stop because he was hurting me.

After a couple days had passed, he called and talked to me like nothing happened. So, I told him that I can't talk to him anymore because of what he said. He told me that it wasn't him who sent the texts; it was someone else because he doesn't remember saying these stuff. I hung up because that's just dumb and I knew it was him. It was 1:00 clock in the morning when these texts were sent. So it's either another girl was over his house and sent the texts or a ghost, if it wasn't him. I asked him why did he say he loved me if he didn't mean it and he had no answer.

Pastor, please advise me. It is hard getting over this guy, but I don't think he had any feelings for me. Should I move on with a new guy who I met or try and work it out with my ex.

C. H., New York, USA

Dear C. H.,

Were you joking when you told this man that you slept with another guy? The truth is your relationship was sexual. There was nothing else to it. Both of you were just two immature people playing around. It is always better for young girls not to become sexually active too soon. You got very jealous when you saw him talking to another girl and you felt very hurt when he did not introduced her to you.

If you are not careful, you will develop a bad reputation. People are going to look at you as the girl who is always changing sexual partners. Even if you were to get married, it will have to be a guy who doesn't know much about your past. Men don't like women who move from one man to the other. I get the impression that you should really cool it. Let some time roll by before you seriously date again. And when you begin to date again, don't give any man the impression that you are easy to get.

Concerning this guy who told you the nasty things, don't even consider him as a social friend.

Pastor