KA CHING:All Star aka Red carpet comfortably rolls out his dancing partner. - Nathaniel stewart

Deportee, Star Writer

When last have you been told a dirty lie? In today's world - chock-full of Orwellian doublespeak - Dutty Fridaze is dutty to the max.

A surreal pantomime-like set served as the salacious backdrop for the street dance celebrating its first anniversary, and thousands of bobbing heads and dancing feet paid homage.

Caught in the dawn of a crazy throng, it was washing day.

The air near the square was always dirty.

Dirty-blonde hair and dirty-blue jeans created a butterfly effect of a scene.

Seeing the dirty dances was like watching dirty movies.

The massive crowd could not be hand-washed by tacky juggling, thus the 'Maytag washer'; called Twin Star piled in all the patrons inside the Fletcher's Land square and they all began to rub a dub.

Early morning washing

Wash your clothes in cold water using cold-water detergents whenever possible

Gary Trucks, CD Master, Crazy Chris juggled the early morning washing with some crisp 'chunes' with Munga and Mavado getting the biggest forwards. With musical efficiency, Twin Star pounded hit after hit.

The temperature was getting hot as multiple choices of wash and rinse cycles moved on and up.

Pre-soaked, most of the patrons got dirtied and cleaned. The detergent of good selections hosed down the massive who bellowed a forward over and over again.

By 6 a.m., the load size of people was at its maximum, estimated to be around 3,000 and counting. The crowd was as thick as honey and perspiration fell like hail from the bodies of the dancers.

Taking to the stage - a trailer body - the dancers spun, wrung themselves free, jumped and pranced. What seems to be a growing trend is the overt simulation of sex. This was where the colours ran.

One-foot Ras

A one-legged gangster, 'one foot ras', decked out in his Marcus Camby jersey, got some 'free throws' and pummelled a willing girl with his 'basketball'. Standing on one leg - Throwing away his crutch - he balanced and gave her some violent stabbing thrusts which she willingly gave back.

Whoooooooooooooooooooooooa! the crowd and selector voiced, their cue for the approach of a wicked selection.

Shortly after, the secondary staccato chirpy siren from a police car pierced the air and suddenly the music stopped. "WATER LOCK OFF!"

The 'peace officers' went on through and the water flooded into the pipes of Twin Star and the cycle continued.

There were many ladies attired in angelic white - no virgins round ere - who walked around with smiling halos circling their fashionable 'hairspoils'.

There was a sunshine at dawn in the form of Lacy who sucked on her spliff tail as she flashed her fingers and performed the 'handicap' dance. She and the gothic-looking Baby Strawberry were a part of the Strawberry girls from Montego Bay.

Standing at six foot six dressed in white with a Rumpelstiltskin boot to match, the dancer All Star aka Red Carpet was grinning diamonds in the crowd. Ka ching ching!

Raising the dead took a twist as T-Bone Squad entered with a coffin. A coffin? Yes a real casket. A member of the T-Bone squad rose from the pine box with some fluid movements. Caught in a frenzy, the other dancers and fans scrapped the casket. In no time the $5,000 box was fit for firewood.

Lustful grimes

For all you fans of the Kama Sutra, it has nothing over what took place at Dutty Fridaze. Young girls and some old cows were angled in every position imaginable in the name of dance.

The dancing was as X-rated as it gets as the lustful grimes were wrung out from the bodies, releasing ... releasing ... I shudder to imagine. Where are the slim ladies? Are they a dying breed? Well, there were some fine looking ladies but they were six months too early. They bared, jiggled and juggled their Santa Klaus bellies. The bellies were there, but where were the presents?

Bordering on mimics acting on Marquis de Sade's sadistic tortures, a young man took off his belt and proceed to spank a girl as she was dancing too 'dirty'. She 'loved' it first, but when the spanks got harder, she cried a dry tear.

With the height of the summer sun marching towards the middle of the sky, the wet laundry was ready to air-dry. It was a party well-received and well-attended. The veil of dirt was lifted, leaving an image of a party which was squeaky clean.