Dear Pastor,

I am a 25-year-old female, with one child, who has been married for 15 months. My husband is an older man, about 10 year's difference. We have been together for four years. He has the qualities that any woman would want in a man. He cooks and cleans; anything you can name, he can do it. He is a very good husband and father. He makes sure all my bills are paid although he is not a wealthy man. He works hard to make me comfortable.

The problem is that he has cheated on me before and after our marriage. Whenever I confronted him, he denied it. Lying to me has caused me to no longer find him attractive. It's to a point where if we are to have sex I occasionally come up with excuses, because I think of the times he has cheated on me.

Sometimes I feel that it was my fault why he cheated because I am not willing to become intimate with him. But deep down inside I know I love him for who he is, but not intimately. I encourage him that we should use condoms as a preventative measure, but it only causes a quarrel between us. Several times I have made attempts to leave him, but I have nowhere else to go until I can get a start on my own. I have no reliable friend or family. I also think about my child not growing up with both parents as I did and I believe in family. When I discuss this with some of my friends and family, they keep suggesting that I hold on to him because he is a good man and that it will be hard for me to find another like him. I know you are going to tell me that they are not the ones feeling my pain. But I am just a forgiving person.

The bad thing is that I ran into my ex-boyfriend after four years and became intimate with him. It made me feel refreshed, but not guilty. It was the first time in four years that I felt that way. He attracts me, in a way. In our previous relationship, we had been together on and off for two years. But now, I just have him as a friend with benefits. But he tells me he wants more than that. I don't want him. He even suggested that I leave my husband for him and live together. He says he loves me and blah! blah! blah! Of course I didn't tell him our problems. I would never leave my husband for him.

My husband is not the type to go to marriage counselling or anything like that where anyone is involved in his life. Pastor, what should I do? I am confused.

B.B., Philadelphia, USA

Dear B.B.,

You are not an honest person. You have admitted that you have a very good husband and the only problem that you have with him is that you believe that he has cheated. You have no proof that he has. He has denied that he is cheating. He may or may not be cheating, but I call you dishonest because you have been cheating with your former boyfriend and you don't consider that wrong. But what you believe that your husband is doing is wrong. You have to be kidding. You are fooling yourself.

You don't want to leave your husband. You like the idea that he is paying all the bills and being very helpful around the house. You don't want to give him up. It is not that you are hard up for sex because your former boyfriend is meeting your sexual needs. So when your husband wants sex from you, you are not interested because you have had enough outside.

Hate me if you want, but you are not as good as you are trying to make me believe. I am not condemning you for what has happened. But what I am annoyed about is the impression that you are trying to give that only your husband is bad and you are as clean as a whistle.

Make up your mind, madam. If you want your husband, work on the marriage. If you don't want him, go your way. Another woman will get him before you can count one, two, three.

Pastor