The Jamaica Star :: Tell Me Pastor :: Heart to say goodbye

Dear Pastor,

I have a problem which urgently needs your advice. I fell in love with someone whom I met in a chat room. At first we used to chat for a short while. One night I asked him if he has a girlfriend. He told me that he is in love with a girl, but she had left him. He said he didn't know the reason why she had left him. She is 7 years older than he is, and they are from different countries. They were both studying at the same university in his country. He claimed that she loves him, but his friends and her friends disagreed with their relationship. She was his first love and she disappeared out of his life without saying good bye. He said he was going to kill himself. I encouraged him not to do it and he was thankful for my advice.

We became chat friends. The most people in chat rooms want to do is to have cyber-sex. I am not into stuff like that, so I was only interested in chatting with him. I was always missing him and feeling sad whenever he was not online, or if he had left me a message and I noticed that he was online and I wasn't. I think about him very often hoping that he is okay.

Two weeks ago I felt my heart beating very strongly. I thought maybe my heart is getting sick, even though I had done a check up on my heart a year ago. I know that anything can happen. I was chatting with him one day and he suddenly had to leave. I felt so sad, as if someone close to me had died. I thought about what is going on with me. Then I remembered that my heart had beaten the same for my first love. I realised that I was falling in love with him.

19 years old

I didn't want to chat with him anymore, so I left him a message. He replied to my message sounding very sad. I wanted to take some time to get my head clear. I didn't want to hurt him or lose him as a friend. So I got back in touch with him. I told him about my feelings and he said he felt the same way about me too. He didn't want to tell me about it because he wasn't sure if I am really separated from my husband. I feel that we are both obsessed with each other.

I am a 35 year old woman and I am normally not attracted to someone who is younger than I. He is 19 years old and I would never ever have an intimate relationship with someone at his age. I like his personality. We both have a lot in common. I only want him as a friend, but I can't stop my heart from beating so strongly. I feel sick because I can't be with him. Whenever he is not on-line my heart beats very strong, my body feels weak, I get headache, and I feel as if I am suffocating. I have never felt like this before and I have no power of resisting my feelings. I do not have any appetite and I also lost interest in everything around me. I have been woken up from the strong beats of my heart and I cannot fall back asleep.

I want to seek professional help and stop chatting with him, but he threatens to go somewhere where no one can find him and kill himself, if I stopped chatting with him. We are living in different countries and I will never find out if he kills himself, when I break the contact with him. But I know that I will carry guilty feelings my entire life.

Please, pastor, tell me what to do. I am a Jamaican living abroad. The situation is very embarrassing for me.

S. Z., Germany

Dear S. Z.,

Most Jamaican women are very smart, but it is well known that when Jamaican women fall in love, they mean well and will do everything to keep their relationship. On the other hand, most Jamaican women are very practical and when they see that a relationship cannot work, they move on. Now you say that you are Jamaican and that you are 35 years old, but something is really wrong with you. Because you are allowing a teenager you have never met in person to cause you to behave as someone who is very silly. This young man has told you some things on-line that you believe and threatening to kill himself and you believe him. He doesn't sound as if he is for real. He is immature and he has a long way to go. But what is annoying is that you are allowing him to make him feel that as a Jamaican you do not have any sense.

You may be having heart problems and the doctor can confirm whether that is so. But it is also known that when people are either in love with each other or lusting over each other, the women may experience the pounding of the heart or some emotional bliss. Some people sweat heavily and even stutter. You have set your standards and one is that you would not become involved with any man who is younger than you. Therefore, don't allow what this young man is saying to cause you to change. Stop communicating with this young man. Behave as a sensible Jamaican woman.

Pastor