The Jamaica Star :: Tell Me Pastor :: Sibling rivalry

Dear Pastor,

I'm having a really hard time making a major decision right now and I could really use your fatherly advice. For my whole life my mother has favoured my older brother. Even to the point where she would be totally neglecting me. She spoiled him rotten; he never had to lift a finger. Even through times that he disrespected her, she still would spoil him. I would do all the housework and receive all her stress and aggression.

Full-grown men

I can even remember a point in our lives when my mother moved her boyfriend and his three cousins into our two-bedroom apartment. My brother didn't want to share his room with me and my mother and her boyfriend occupied the room I once shared with my mother. So I found myself sleeping among three full-grown men that I didn't know from a can of paint. She would take me Christmas shopping after Christmas at the discount stores so that she could buy him expensive things. I would wear other people's old clothes while he was always in style. I always felt out of place. That was when I was 11 and my brother was 16.

Now he's 25 years old and still living at home and trying his best to make my life hell. He's still disrespecting my mother even to the point of physical abuse. She's so depressed now that she won't even get off the couch. Her health is fading and so is mine.

Very concerned

I'm always so stressed out to the point where my hair comes out. I feel like I should move in with my boyfriend of two years. He's very sweet and very concerned about my situation. I know that it is best that I move out, but I don't want to leave my mother alone. Even though she's treated me poorly over the years I don't want to leave her here with him. Sometimes I feel like it's her fault that he's the way he is, but at the same time I still care.

Pastor, what am I to do? I feel trapped when I'm in this house, but I still care.

F. G., California, USA

Dear F. G.,

You haven't mentioned the age of your mother. If your brother is abusive, why doesn't your mother ask him to leave? If your boyfriend and you are planning on getting married, rent an apartment and leave your mother's house. I am not suggesting that you abandon her. If you get married and live on your own, you can continue to assist your mother financially, but you are not doing any good by continuing to live in the same house with her.

Your mother made some fundamental mistakes, but I am glad you were willing to forgive her. It is evident that you love her. I am sure that she has had enough time to ponder some of the things that she did and she regrets doing them. Don't hold anything against her. Tell her however that you believe that the time has come for you to move out, but assure her that you will never abandon her.

Pastor