The Jamaica Star :: Tell Me Pastor :: Romancing the razor

Dear Pastor,

I am a regular listener of your programme and I would like to say that I really appreciate the work you are doing. I am an 18-year-old young woman who really needs your advice. I have been with my boyfriend for almost three years and I love him very much.

My problem is that I believe that I suffer from depression. Whenever I can't handle my problem, I feel that I'm not understood or no one cares. I often use a razor and cut myself on my arm or legs. My boyfriend was the first person I told about my problem and he encouraged me to tell my sister. I don't live with my parents. They are abroad. Pastor, I can't help it. Whenever I feel down, I turn to the razor as I see it as a way of transferring my emotional pain to a physical one. I can only feel the pain from the cut and not what was hurting me.

My mother left when I was three years old and I only see her sometimes on holidays. I have an older brother and sister who have always picked on me, saying that I was the reason my mother left. All my life I have never heard my father say that he loves me. Nothing that I did was ever good enough and my mom was never there.

'Good job'

Last year, when I graduated from high school, my dad didn't even show up. My mom did, but to be honest, I don't really feel anything for her. I wanted my dad to be proud of me and I just can't seem to get that. I am the only one that has graduated from high school and received six CXCs and two A'Levels and all I heard is that it isn't good enough and that I'm wasting my time. I crave so much for them to say that they are proud of me or at least say, "Good job!". They don't want me to have a life. They expect me to stay home and go to school, nothing else. I can't go out, sleep over, nothing. I don't want to disrespect them, but I'm not a child anymore.

Secondly, I had a best friend once whom I loved dearly, but she chose another friend over me. I found out that she lied to me a lot about her sexual life and personal information. She started to hang out with other friends so we hardly talked. She was involved with about six guys at a time, which she lied about.

Cheating

One found out that she was cheating and he came to our school to beat her and I had to jump in the way so that she could get away. Another one found out that she was unfaithful too and broke up with her. They were together for about six months. He and I became friends and she heard that we were intimate (which we weren't) and she went to school and told everyone that I took her man.

This caused tension in the class. We stopped talking as I didn't like what she did and the stuff she said. She spread a rumour that I practised oral sex throughout the school and I was hurt. I ended up being good friends with her ex and later on, about five months later, we started a relationship.

Pastor, I'm not sure if I'm right or wrong for being with him, but it just happened. I didn't plan it and now I love this guy so much and I know he loves me. I know his family as he introduced me to them. My former best friend heard that I met his family and she tried to get him back, but he told her that he loves me and so does his mom. She became upset as she didn't get him to say he loved her, go to his house or to meet his family.

I tried to be friendly with her, as I missed her, and she kept writing me letters saying that she was sorry and she missed me. We started hanging out again. I invited her out with me on my birthday. My boyfriend was taking me and a group of my friends out. She got me drunk.

Later, we had a huge argument at school in front of the whole senior school where we both said some hurtful things. It has been almost two years and, honestly, I have forgiven her and myself for all the stuff we had to go through. She wants us to be friends again.

Pastor, what should I do?

L.L., St Catherine, Jamaica

Dear L.L.,

First, let me congratulate you for doing so very well in high school. Your parents should be proud of you and it is unfortunate that they have not expressed their love for you.

I am concerned about what you are doing to yourself. Your state of depression from time to time has caused you to cut yourself. If you do not get professional help, you may sink into deep depression and take your own life.

I suggest that you go to your family doctor for a check-up and ask him to refer you to a psychiatrist. I know some people do things to themselves to seek attention. But I believe your case is much deeper than seeking attention.

I regret hearing how your best friend treated you. She will always say that you got involved with her man. You shouldn't consider her as a friend anymore. She is not a good girl. Don't associate yourself with her anymore. People will believe you are just like her.

Try to go to university. Serve God and be careful.

Pastor