The Jamaica Star :: Tell Me Pastor :: Flirting with abusive ex

Dear Pastor,

I fell in love with a man when I was 17 years old. We have a little girl together and we got married shortly after. Before the marriage he hit me, but I forgave him and continued to live with him.

This abuse continued for two years until I decided to do something about it. I decided to travel to a small island to get away, but each time I came back and the relationship felt nice and new. Then as time went by the abuse started again. To be honest with you, I was young and beautiful and liked to go clubbing with friends. In fact, that was how we met. He wasn't the type of a person who liked clubbing and wanted to stop me from enjoying life.

Beat and rape me

He is a policeman and he would beat and rape me. He said I couldn't report it because the police would just laugh at me and tell me that a husband cannot rape his own wife. I was very scared of him. He used to threaten me a lot with his gun. He told me that if I left him, he would kill me and our daughter, and also himself.

I started to travel more often to get away from that life, but it affected me a lot because my daughter started to grow up without a mother and the abuse just continued whenever I came back.

Almost committed suicide

I travelled to the UK and my last visit to Jamaica was in 2004. We started accusing each other of cheating and it ended up that he almost committed suicide. That was when I really realised that this man needed help. I had to run, and I even left my daughter behind. I knew she would be taken care of by both his parents and my parents.

I filed for divorce and fell in love with a man in the UK five years ago. He has never hit me and he treats me with respect. My ex-husband is still obsessed with me. He is sending me text messages saying that he will never stop loving me and he is a changed man.

Still flirt with ex-husband

He fathered another child last year and I have another child for my boyfriend. I would like to go back to Jamaica to see my daughter and my relatives, but I am scared he might kill me this time. I am not yet in the position to send for my daughter. To be honest with you, I still flirt on the phone with my ex-husband because I think I still have feelings for him.

Pastor, should I go back?

M.E., London, England

Dear M.E.,

I can see why you divorced your husband. However, now that he has no legal ties to you, why do you flirt with him on the telephone? Are you not giving him the impression that you made a mistake and you want him back in your life? Yes, you are.

Hear me now; stay in the UK for a long time because you have been sending signals to this man that he has a chance with you. If you come to Jamaica now, he will expect you to sleep with him. He knows that you "still have feelings for him". If you were on the island and say no to this man, he might kill you. Stay where you are and cut out this love making on the telephone.

Pastor