DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM? IS SOMETHING BOTHERING YOU? WRITE TO: TELL ME PASTOR, DR. AARON DUMAS, P.O. BOX 188, KING STREET, KINGSTON. TELEPHONE: 929-1667/8. E-AIL: PASTOR@JAMAICASTAR.COM. OR, VISIT MY WEBSITE AT DEARPASTOR.COM

Dear Pastor,

I must say that I enjoy reading your column daily. I would like your advice on something that has been bothering me for quite a while. I was involved with a guy for about four years. He had a girlfriend which he told me about. I still went into the relationship not intending to fall in love or anything as I was just getting out of a long-term relationship and was not really looking for love. I fell in love with him. Things were great. The other girl didn't matter because it was like she didn't exist as I used to see him almost every day.

Entering into the third year of the relationship, the other girl moved out of her family's home and wanted him to live with her. He did, but he did not tell me initially. I heard and I asked him more than once before he admitted it to me.

Rapidly downhill

I got a place of my own shortly after and thought things would work out for the best, but I just took a wrong turn. I never saw him anymore and I started complaining. Then he would try to see me sometimes, but it was not enough for me. We started arguing about it and everything else. Things just went downhill rapidly. He lost his job and went into a world of his own. This was when and where the communication broke down. We hardly talked to each other or saw each other.

Frustrated

At first, I was understanding. He asked me to be patient and understanding as he felt as if he was not doing what a man is supposed to do for his woman. About six months after loosing his job, he got another in the country so, he had to relocate and that made matters worse. I told him that it was frustrating me and that I was moving on with my life as he is living his and it does not include me. I told him that I know I deserve better than that. He told me that I can't do that and that I didn't mean it. It was because I was upset why I was saying these things to him and that he loves me and still wants me.

Deep in my heart all he said was true, but I really wanted to let go, but I still waited for him. And up to this day things are still the same. We talk, but I don't see him regularly and I have told him so many times that I am moving on and he keeps saying the same thing. I have said to myself so many times that I don't want to be with him and whatever it was that we had.

The problem is that I can't seem to move on and really let go. I need to move on but, I think I need closure. I need him to agree with me on this so that I can move on. I still love him, but I love myself more. I am 24 and he is 35 years old. I am very mature in thinking for my age. I have two children who are not his and I want a life for them - a settled one, which I don't think he can give me.

Another guy

I have recently started to date another guy. He is wonderful and great with my kids. I know he loves me. He told me so and his action says so too. The thing is I don't feel the same about him. But I do care for him and like him and want to see where this is going as he is ambitious, hardworking and wants a life with me and this is the same life that I want. I told him about the relationship and that it has ended with the other guy. I did not give all the details though as I don't think it is relevant and he doesn't need to know all the drama. I have moved on, but I just need closure to do so. I know in time to come I will love him.

Still not ready

Another thing is he wants a baby with me, which I'm not ready for. I told him this, but he is saying that because he was in a seven-year relationship before this and he waited on the girl as she was attending school to do her degree, but they broke up and he didn't want the same thing to happen again. I told him it won't, but he is insisting. I told him that I wanted the person I'm giving another child to must be my husband. He understands but he is still sticking to his opinion. We have been dating about seven months now. I am not ready for a child because I want to go back to school and finish up my subjects and get my degree. He encourages me and told me that even if we were to have a child, I would not have to worry. I know that, but I'm still not ready.

Please advice me on what to do as sometimes I feel like I want to be left alone and live a single life. I want to enjoy my life, but at times I feel lonely and want companionship.

J. W., St. Andrew, Jamaica

Dear J. W.,

You claim to be mature, but what you have written in your letter, to me, does not show much maturity. A mature woman would have dumped the man who has tried to make a fool of her for four years. He is playing around because he has come to realise that what you say, you do not mean. You need to learn to love yourself first and to look after the interest of your children and yourself above any man. What I am trying to tell you is that if you love yourself, end the relationship with this man and do so now.

A joker

Concerning the new guy, he too is a joker. He doesn't mean you any good. He sees you with 2 children and he is eager to impregnate you. He is not a good man. You may think that he is ambitious, but he is not. If he believes that he has to prove that he is a man by impregnating a woman, then he should find someone who would allow him to be a sperm donor. What you want in your life is a man who would respect you and treat you like a lady. And by the way, you do not love this man so don't go any further with him. I caution you, you will get hurt if you simply accept what men say.

Pastor