What a gwaan massive? Oonu can imagine say mi watch di Michael Jackson funeral more dan seven times already? Everywhe mi see it, mi haffi tune een. And everytime mi watch it mi haffi siddung wid big rag fi wipe eye water and nose naught. It sad man! Den everytime mi recover, mi start bawl again and Usher performance or Michael daughter likkle speech nevah help di matter. It ah come back pon TVJ pon Sunday, so as oonu can see, mi addicted an haffi go watch it again before mi touch di road ah Absinthe!

On a nex' note, Addi, di new song wha yuh say "inna mi room yuh a mi private dancer" or summen like dat, mi cyan find it nowhe pon di net, not even fi download. Mi and mi husband need di song immediately. (Laughing). Massive link me pon hotgalcherry@hotmail.com. Suss time!

STYLIST, PLEASE HELP!

Massive, las' week mi know say mi a figget fi tell onnu summen enuh, but mi cudden memba a wha. A yesterday mi siddung an it come back to mi an mi buss out a laugh same time! People inna di midst a wi vibes a French Connection mi see one entourage pass me, and who was at di front? Craig from Voicemail. But dat a nuh di problem! A wha di man when deh wear!

Mi feel like say when Andrew come wid a theme and dress code, him haffi go do one TV interview and mek people understand wha it mean fi be not too dressy, but not casual cause some a dem LOSE dem way! Is like di man get fed up an jus go half-way wid di ting!

Di man come eena one tuxedo top, jacket and tie and di full works, THEN have one one BRIGHT orange pants dat were NOT pants cause dem stop a him calf. And if dem did have di right fit, it wudden totally horrible, but di ting dem look like it can fit 6 more man and dem woman. Yuh know say come to think of it now, maybe a so di entourage come een! But heeenheeway, den di shoes him have on, a some big long sneakers. Mi a wondah if him jus mad out aftah di paternity test did come back een an say it negative.

Den of course Oneil did come an him a di total OPPOSITE. Fi him clothes tight like him come fi film di remake fi Robin Hood 21st Century Man In Tights! Mi sooo happy mi nevah see Kevin cause wi probably wudda see him come inna Gladiator outfit and white glove. Smaddy cyan style dem? Not Dexter though.

PLEASE BUY DI EX-WIFE A HINT

Now people, mi want oonu tell mi if di ex-wife an har family normal. Dem go a one Prep school graduation di odda day, a mussi did fi har niece, and before di seat dem cudda recognise who siddung pon dem, one a har family memba dem get up an gone to di principal. So mi link say she ah wondah ah cudda wha happen. After a while di family go siddung back.

To backfoot, she ongle hear di family a cuss to di ex-wife say " A what happen to dem. Celebrity in de place. Ounno fe acknowledge the celebrity." Mi link nearly keel ovah! When she a tell mi, mi nearly dead wid laugh! Mi nevah know mi wudda stop! Maybe mi miss one newscast or summen because ah di whole Michael Jackson ting, but di ex-wife did change har name to Portia or Bruce?

Wha di people dem a stop dem good good Prep school graduation fah, fi acknowledge WHO? Oonu did memba when mi say when mi nuh undahstand wha smaddy claim to fame be, dem muss send a bio? Yes, dis is anodda moment! Send a bio please, Mrs. Ex and family. As a matter of fac', print dem out an go door to door wid straw hat an umbrella like yuh a witness an gih dem out. Cause none a wi nuh sure wha exactly wi fi gi out ratings fah.

FACEBOOK MADNESS

Mi need fi know if a di new in-ting fi have yuh matey pon yuh Facebook page. Ah ongle people who have time fi waste do dem ting deh enuh. Di odda day di white label ownah (no, not di one who call himself Gad), woman deh pon Facebook a cuss har matey bout she can gwaan watch her, because how can she (the matey) be comfortable wid her position and if she nuh feel bad a look and sleep wid odda people man, and she need to get a job, because she have one: she is focusin on her singin career and horse dead, an cow fat.

Den she proceed fi a say she saw the message the matey wrote on her wall and she doesn't care. Now, mi a wondah a wha kindah dutty life dem people yah a live? Mi can have one matey, and di matey deh pon mi fren list? Fi wha? Den di smaddy have di audacity fi message or write pon wall? Den mi a post message to di matey? A wha kinda lunatic dem yah? My girl, if di man a gih yuh bun an yuh know and OK wid it, stop di noise. Cause yuh mus alright fi a cuss matey pon Internet den gone back a night time go sprawl off wid di man.

Massive, latah!

MI NEED AN EXPLANATION

L.A. Lewis have pickney? Mi did figget fi ask. Aftah di launch a Spice store, di whole a wi stan up a whole a endz, mi see di man mek him gran entrance wid one likkle girl and a do interviews an all dese tings. Wi nearly drop ovah di railing. Smaddy have pickney fi L.A.? Di likkle girl cute too.

But mi a tell yuh say General Degree a real prophet enuh, cause a muss man shortage, like wha him sing bout cause dat. Mi need fi know what is di appeal wid dis man pon any level. It alright fi wi laugh, but fi go tek him serious an deh wid him? Nah sah! Dat tek more skill and madness dan wha him have. Mi wudda haffi fully diagnosed and injected wid madness fi go really start call LA 'honey'.

Mi need fi undastand who di secretary deh who used to wuk a him office and really and truly send out press release and mek phone call to people bout di queen. Mi need smaddy fi siddung an talk to di whole a dem woman yah an find out wha go tru dem head fi wuk wid him or deh wid him. It tek skills. By di way, a whe him office based now dat dem fling him out?